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go...

2009-04-07T11:03:00.001-07:00

Because the world is poor and starving, go with bread.

Because the world is filled with fear, go with courage.

Because the world is in despair, go with hope.

Because the world is living lies, go with truth.

Because the world is sick with sorrow, go with joy.

Because the world is weary of wars, go with peace.

Because the world is seldom fair, go with justice.

Because the world is under judgment, go with mercy.

Because the world will die without it, go with love.

rest day

2009-02-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

after a tiring week, here i go towards the end of it.. sa totoo lang, marami pang kailangang gawin pero pahinga muna ngayon at konting habol sa org work. tingin ko talaga napaka inefficient ko lately at nahihiya ako na ganun. sa totoo lang, ayokong nasisilip ako sa mga ginagawa ko lalo na pag nag-uunderperform ako kasi ayokong gawing reason ang pagkakaroon ng love life dahil hindi naman directly yun ang reason.

anyway, LFN na mamaya. hindi pa tapos ang costume ko. wahaha

masaya ako tungkol samin kanina. grabe, hmm.. intimate.. pero hinay-hinay lang dapat.. hmmm.. wala pa kaming final plans para sa valentines. naisip ko kasi, kailangan ba? wahah.. hindi, gusto kong magcelebrate kami. pero kailangan bang sa 14 talaga? ewan..

ano bang gusto ko sanang gawin namin sa valentines? sa totoo lang, wala naman akong specific thing in mind, basta sana lang may bonding time lang kaming dalawa. mag-usap, magbonding. yun lang, ok na ko dun.. hindi kailangan na bonggang celebration at kain sa labas (given na rin sa time constraint).. gift? wala naman akong hinihingi.. bahala na.. hmm... pero gusto siguro ng chocolates. yum. pampataba.

hmm.. napag-usapan namin kung anong nagustuhan namin at gusto sa isat-isa. magkaiba pa raw yun. nagustuhan is like first impression, gusto is what we eventually found out as we get to know each other.

nagustuhan ko sa kaniya. eto yung mga sinabi ko: super maalaga siya sakin, pinakamasaya kong relationship so far, the only guy who had the courage to get to know my religion better, sort of approved of by my mom and sister.

what he like about me: iba daw ako sa ibang mga babae (napaka-vague, i mean everybody is unique in their own way. anyhoo..) happiest relationship for him as well...

well, there are a lot of things i wasnt able to say to him a lot more of other things which i think i already wrote here way back.

just the same, i hope we continue to become stronger with what we have.

i just realized, more important than vday is the fact that its our third 'monthsary'

pagod na ako

2009-02-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

pagod na talaga ako..

pero kahit ganun, i will still find reasons to keep me going...

libing na ni lola bukas. 2pm
philo orals ko rin bukas ng 550pm
tapos ma187 exam ko sa thursday
LFN sa friday
sportsfest sa saturday
buwanang pulong sa sunday
amf131 exam sa monday
ma195 exam sa tuesday
th141 report sa wednesday

sige lang, patayin niyo na ako.
ayoko na..

hindi ko rin naiintindihan ang nangyayari sa kin ngayon. mainit ang ulo ko na sa tingin ko ay resulta lamang ng marami kong nararamdamang emosyon, physical na pagod at academic stress.

idagdag mo pa ang fact na marami akong napapabayaang mga bagay para sa Gabay ngayon. hindi na nga ako natutulog pero parang wala rin naman akong nagagawa. so anong point.

ewan. tinatamad na ako.
pero wala naman akong choice
i still have to do things..

minsan, napapaisip ako kung worth it pa ba ang lahat ng ginagawa ko kaya all of a sudden, nagkakaroon ako ng focal point shift.

segue: marami akong hindi sinabihan regarding my lola's death. i mean, should i? ewan ko rin.. sa tingin ko kasi hassle naman sa mga tao na makipag-lamay pa.. kaya para sa mga mahal ko sa buhay na nagpunta talaga, i really owe them a lot, specially at these times..

kaya lang, parang nawala sakin ang essence ng paglalamay. parang naging party siya. ni hindi ko man lang nabigyan ng quiet time kaming dalawa ni lola. ni hindi ko naibuhos yung iyak ko para sa kaniya. sa totoo lang, nalulungkot talaga ako. at hindi ko alam kung bakit o ano.. a ewan. basta, gusto ko lang ibuhos lahat ng ito.

natuwa naman ako dahil nagpunta siya kanina sa burol. nakilala pa siya ng relatives ko.. si daddy, si mommy..hmm.. basta, masaya na rin ako, kahit papano.

although ngayon, basta weird ang feeling ko ngayon. about samin. pero wala akong masyadong brain cells na mailalaan dun sa ngayon. bahala na.

i just have to trust us.

burst

2009-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

sobra akong maraming nararamdaman ngayon.

pagod, frustration, galit, lungkot, inis.. lahat na ata ng negative energies nasagap ko na today e..

pagod ako dahil pabalik-balik ako sa skul.. nakakapagod palang bumalik sa school na nag-commute ka tapos nagmamadali ka pa.. lagi mo na lang kalaban ang oras. nakakapagod

frustrated ako sa acads ko. as in. kailangan ko maka-2 na QPI at least. nalulungkot ako sa fact na ang baba na ng standards ko with regards to my academics. basta pumasa na lang. asan na ang magis mode? hmph. pero hindi ko na alam kung sino pang sisisihin ko at kung ano pang gagawin ko? wala akong time para mag-aral ng matino. TINATAMAD na ako.

nagagalit ako sa nangyayari sa sarili ko. nakakainis yung fact na hindi ko ma-control ang emotions ko dahil punung-puno na ako. naiinis ako at nahihirapan akong i-kalma ang sarili ko dahil pagod na rin ako at frustrated.

nalulungkot ako sa fact na wala na ang lola ko. sa wed na ang libing niya. shet. libing. ayoko ng mga ganung events dahil naiiyak ako. ngayon pa nga lang, gusto ko nang iiyak lahat ng luha ko pero matagal ko nang nalaman na imposible mangyari yun. nakaklungkot ang kamatayan. wala kang kalaban-laban. ang tangi mo na lang magagawa e tanggapin na nangyari nga iyon. kung mahina ka, sorry ka na lang.

naiinis ako dahil feeling ko ang pabaya ko sa mga projects ko. marami akong napapabayaang gawain. at napapagod na rin ako dahil gusto ko na talaga i-prioritize ang acads ko pero hindi ko pa rin magawang bitiwan ang ibang mga bagay dahil mahalaga rin naman sila.

pero kahit ganun, alam ko namang andyan si boss para suportahan ako.. although nagiging malabo ang mga usapan namin lately, siguro, yung tiwala ko na lang sa kaniya muna ang bahala para hindi ako mag-give up. although minsan naiinis ako sa kakulitan niya, nauunawaan ko naman na way niya lang yun ng pagpapakita ng pagmamahal sa kin..

dapat sasama siya sa burol kanina. mabuti na lang at hindi na siya tumuloy kasi si daddy yung andun. wahaha. bukas na lang, kasama ang SABOG.

ramdam ko naman na mahal ako, pero sa ngayon, hindi sapat ang pagmamahal para tuluyan mapawi ang lahat ng problema ko. hindi naman kasi yun ang tanging solusyon e. basta, napapagaan nito ang kung ano mang bigat ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

sabi ko na nga ba...

2009-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

hindi ko matitiis na hindi magpost..

marami akong random thoughts na naiisip. although maganda naman sana kasing i-share yun via plurk, minsan, tinatamad na lang talaga ako..

una, hindi ko talaga alam kung magffifth year pa ako..

pros:
sayang ang opportunity, may scholarship na ko e.
mas mataas na sweldo after grad
hindi pa ako prepared magtrabaho
ayoko pa umalis ng ateneo
gusto ko na magkaroon ng masters degree
eto naman talaga yung original plan ko e.
willing pa naman ang mga magulang ko na pag-aralin ako for one more year.

cons:
tinatamad na talaga ako. saka nanghihinayang ako kasi parang tanga na talaga ako e.
wala na akong naiintindihan sa mga majors ko, tapos itutuloy ko pa rin for another year?
downward sloping ang grades ko since 3rd year. grabe, ano nalang ang matitira sakin next year
medyo parang ginugusto ko na rin magtrabaho
madedelay pa ang aking freedom.

ewan ko talaga. hindi ako makapag-rationalize kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko. para na naman akong nagpapatangay na lang sa agos ng buhay.

hmm.. marami pa akong gustong isulat tulad ng nangyari sa immersion ko. tapos yung dilemma ko about friendship..

eto, isa namang bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin ngayon ang aking relasyon kay boss. basta masaya ako samin. ayoko mang maging sobrang forward-looking, pero may potensyal talaga na baka siya na nga. haay.. tama na nga to. gusto kong maayos na ang buhay namin..

excited na ang nanay niya na ma-meet ako. natatakot ako. siguro meron na akong ganung phobia sa mga nanay. haha. pero siyempre, we'll see kung anong mangyayari sa april 7 (or sooner, bahala na.)

nagpunta kaming riverbanks kanina out of mere whim. waley talaga. nakakain na rin ako sa wakas sa ice cream house at umubos kami ng isang pint ng cherry go round. hahah. pareho kaming hindi mahilig sa cherry ice cream pero nag-enjoy na rin kaming magpatayan sa buong cherries. hahah. tapos arcade. wala lang talaga ako sa mood maglaro kanina. at umupo muli sa damuhan sa riverbanks. haaayyy.. tapos siomai house. karen, anong diet ang pinagsasabi mo? tugsh.

hmmm.. masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko. pero tulad nga ng sabi niya, merong mga aspect ng buhay ng tao na hindi pa rin defined kaya nakapagpapabawas sa sayang nararamdaman mo. oh well.

ayun, hindi ako stressed. pagod lang. at maraming pang kailangang gawin. may theory ako na hindi naman natural na stressed ang tao. meron tayong mga stress drivers at para maiwasan yung stress, kailangan maiwasan ang mga stress drivers na yun. narealize ko na ang main stress driver ko ay ang dami ng dapat kong gawin. pero kahit ganun, gusto ko pa rin. may pagka-masokista nga siguro ako.

awat na. marami pa talagang kailangang gawin.

will stop posting now

2009-01-15T06:26:00.001-08:00

i just feel like im only obliged to write even though nobody is obliging me to do so. anyway, things that are happening are best kept in the heart and in the mind..

and im just finding a good excuse for not writing satisfactory entries at this point of time. i am just, hmmm.. too preoccupied. too stressed out and even letting them out feels absurd at this point..

so there you go, i might stop writing for a long time.. but im sure i'll be back again one of these days..

he said something today that made my heart stop

2 months

2009-01-14T06:43:00.000-08:00

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

talking resolves things

2009-01-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

hmm.. today was a happy day, we were able to discuss a few important things.

it was quite a light day for me. thanks to the amf131 free cut. during our free time together, we bonded again in the roofdeck where it was insanely cold.

we were lucky to have chairs there so we were able to sit on somewhere. we were quite fearing of getting caught by some guards although we werent doing anything wrong. the fact that we were staying there when we're not supposed to, is well, unreasonable...

anyway, i told him i loved leaning on his shoulder. i really feel secured when i do so. although it feels awkward because my face becomes too close to him. its as if i was tempting him to do something that he fears i might be angry about..

another thing, we also agreed to lessen pda (if that's how you would call it since its not really that). its for our own good, i guess.. and he just wants to protect me..

we had another long tight hug before we left leong roofdeck. it felt like ages since we were able to do that, and it felt really nice and comforting.. i also felt his respect for me.. and for his self, i guess.. it is nice.

regarding the kiss thing, i told him, i wanted each to be special (although he argues that every day is special. really now. haha) so as not to lose the meaning. i guess that clears things up..Ü

one sad thing though... i wont be around on his birthday on the 24th.. that is, if our immersion sched will push through on the 23rd-25th.. i dont want to be selfish and prevent my groupmates to have an out-of-town immersion. so there, i had to be away. possibly without permission to use my phone.. i just have to make it up to him. when i told him about it, he wouldnt admit that it would be sad for him.. he was just trying to be understanding, as always.. but it would be really sad..

i just noticed while im writing all these down, my mind seem so fragmented.. nothing seemed coherent.. and everything sounded absurd.. i cant find the proper words to describe how im feeling. its unusual..

btw, it is our 2nd "monthsary" tomorrow. i dont know if he has plans, or if he even remembered.. im still fighting the urge to mention it to him. i dont know what to do. my plans for tomorrow are already hindered by my late execution.. so i guess, we have to do with what is available, which i have no idea what our options are.

on other things, i might be able to get full scholarship again for my fifth year. yey!Ü

whatever happens, he's there for me

2009-01-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

my weekend was stressful. i have never been in this much stress in weeks. i have been handling myself properly until yesterday when i broke down. it rarely happens. and when it does, well, it is heartbreaking to see me cry that much because i rarely cry these days. i just came to that point when i cant handle things anymore.

anyway, that is another thing of the past. seriously, at this point of time, i seem to have no regard over things that are rational. its as if i am acting on mere whim. whatever my heart feels like doing i do so, without thinking twice if its right or wrong.

anyway, i feel so alone here at home. as if everybody's ganging up on me to make my life really miserable. that's the reason why i broke down. but despite that, i am happy to have someone who would back me up. someone who would continue to inspire me. to set things straight for me. someone to cheer me up, to assure me that things will really get better in the long run. someone who strengthens me and reminds me of my abilities.

although we still have a lot of things left undiscussed, i hope we could find time to discuss all these. for now, i am happy that we are together supporting each other. time is really a scarce commodity these days..

he did something before we went home. i kinda hinted what it was but i was in my un-thinking mode. how it felt? well, it kinda felt nice, but funny, i dont know how to describe it. i guess he was still really hesitant about it. for me however, it is still not an issue. i want to take things slow. i just dont want him to be influenced by his peers. unless he really thinks that it is necessary, then i guess, we have to talk things over...

i love being around him, its like an addiction i have little control over. the weather's really cold around here and having his arms around me warms me up. his smell is like an assuring scent that things will be ok no matter what.

its been a while

2009-01-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

i really resisted the temptation of updating here because of my stressful academic week. but now that i am temporarily free, its time to be ultimately cheesy and well, kinda problematic..

well, first of all, it was a rather disappointing comeback week for us. for one, we've been so busy. its like, the moment we went back to school meant that we dont have much time to spend together. it is frustrating. and in the short times that we are together, we dont seem to spend quality time. what is quality time to me anyway?

another thing, i really want to discuss some serious stuff about us, but i dont want to add to the things that really stress him out for the moment. he is handling two upcoming projects, plus his acad load is not really that light. plus, the pressure of elections (i dont even know if that's bothering him). on the other hand, i have my fair share of troubles myself. i dont want to get straight Ds in all my majors. i am so frustrated with myself as if i havent done anything right the moment 2nd sem started so now im suffering. crap.

so there, i really miss hanging out with him. and really enjoying and relaxing. but i suppose those things will have to wait.

one thing that really bothers me now is our intimacy. are we PDA-ing? i cant tell. but i really miss those bonding times. i wonder if he feels the same way.

another thing, i seem a bit insecure lately. what is wrong with me? with him? with us?

crap. i hate being melodramatic.

Leadership Blues

2009-01-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

in just a few days, we'll be knowing who will replace us as the officers of Gabay.. i dont exactly know how i'll feel towards it.. i am quite worried if some people might decide not to run, or if the wrong people might decide to run, and eventually win. but of course, my assessment of people are very limited. whatever happens during their term is still up to them.

looking back, its as if my own experience of pre-elections are still very clear in my memory.. the anxiety of discerning if i would run or not. plus my own parents' weight on that decision. my fear of being unable to balance my time. fear of not having enough time for myself. failing. falling short.

well, those things happened, and more. but in summary, it was a very fruitful experience. i truly love my colleagues for never giving up on me, on us. SABOG is truly the best. i love each and every one of them. although i am quite regretful for not being able to deepen our relationships with each other, specially with Soph and Danielle. my guess is that, we are fearing too much about our personal relationships getting in the way of our professional work. either way, it was nice to work with them. and in "losing" them, i was able to open myself to other people who are willing to support me in times of uncertainty.

i am not sure if we have done well as officers of the org. i admit i had my shortcomings. it was very difficult to balance everything. but it was worth all the stress, the sleepless overnights, the tears, sweat and blood, the sugar rush, money, pigging out, all nighters, endless digression, UBEs. well, all these things are part only within the ExeCom.

the members are my continued inspiration. projects may have failed. turnout may be low. budget could have been a deficit. PICs may have gone AWOL. whatever happened, those are only things of the past. what's important is that those who were involved learned something new. the participants enjoyed.

i remembered what inspired me to write this entry. i was surprised one time when i was checking my email, a COA announcement read that SABOG was nominated as the best ExeCom for the year. i was surprised. i recognized that we have been really sabog in our term, who wouldve thought that someone would think otherwise. anyway, it was overwhelming to know that somebody appreciated our efforts despite that.

however, it is not the award (if ever we were lucky enough), nor the recognitions from any other group or institution. it is knowing in your heart that you have done something good for the betterment of other people. to know that you have inspired others to continue your efforts. its leaving a legacy and knowing that somehow, someone will pass it on to others as well..

its about really doing what you love and loving what you do.

mixed emotions

2009-01-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

i am feeling anxious now. i know i dont have to, but i cant help myself. its as if things are turned upside down at this point.

i have so many points of reflection for today. any simple thing strikes me to realize something. and it is an overload for me.. too many realizations in one day makes me forget most of them. it seems like a waste..

at this point, i dont feel to inspired to write anything worth of reading material. right now, i am just feeling anxious that things dont seem to be in their right places. i have to study, but just like writing now, i dont feel inspired. i need to feel pressured to start studying for my subjects. plus i need to do a lot of things too.. its frustrating..

i'll just eat this out..

anyway, i remembered what happened earlier today.. my amf131 classroom is just beside his ma101 classroom. before he went to class, he passed by my room to talk to me.. although it was purely business, it was nice to see him early in the morning to freshen up my mind and remove the cobwebs that appeared there so early after my first math class. anyway, after lunch, i noticed that we were wearing matching clothes. it looked funny..black jeans and blue shirt. haha.. i wasnt even planning to wear those pants but i changed my mind last minute this morning. well it happens sometimes these days...

he accompanied me when i went up to kuya alec to copy Yiruma tracks. then i asked him if he would walk me to class.. compromise, since i didnt want him to be late for his class, i settled for the stairs near my room. we walked hand in hand as we trudged along the brick walk, debating why we were holding hands while walking. i won the argument! haha.. well, it was a nice feeling walking with him. i can really feel his warmth, and its absence, well, made me feel alone..

there, i need to get back to my books now, else, i'll be getting straight Ds in all my exams.

good and bad times

2009-01-05T09:09:00.001-08:00

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*

love and family

2009-01-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

the holidays are almost over.. and it only meant one thing for me.. freedom from the people here in the house, and back to my normal life outside house life. its not that i hate them. they are my family still. its just that, its a wonder how we were able to coexist despite the diversity in our characters.

dad.
well he is noisy. he barely moves his butt around the house and thats one thing i am annoyed the most. he really tests my patience. and with him, i was able to practice the breathe in-breathe out exercise whenever the limit for my patience is about to cross that very thin line.

mom.
she is menopausal. i guess that says it all. she has a very thin patience, specially to dad. well, i cant blame her. if i were in her position, i might act just as well. but sometimes, it was already too much. too annoying with all the shouting, etc.

ate camil
well, she also rarely moves her butt around the house. always pretends she's sick. (i don't know anymore when she genuinely feels sick). anyway, another thing i hate about her is when she sleeps on my bed instead of sleeping on her own. i just love to keep my own private heaven private so i want other people out of it most of the time, specially people who i am not so fond of.

anyway, this vacation was really a test of patience, and time management. good thing my little sis keeps me stress free no matter what happens. even if i spend most of my time looking after her, i really dont mind. she is really fun to be with. gives me the love i need specially at times when i feel like breaking down..

there you go, i guess my realization here is: love will keep me going, despite all my anxieties in life. when i am on the verge of giving up and breaking down, love will give me enough inspiration for me to go on and fight.

random thoughts

2009-01-02T00:07:00.000-08:00

on my bed

as i lay on my bed
i saw the stuff around
on my blue sheets
that snuggle close to me
as i go to sleep

that white dog
in a silly bunny suite
rests under my chin
accompanies me
as i drift off and dream

a little brown monkey
lies next to my cheek
his smell lingers on it
keeps me sane on his absence
reminds me im not alone

those blue and orange heads
bobbing up and down
resting on a purple heart
says yes to all my queries
agrees on my insanities

i feel him around me
in my sleep
i am not abandoned
my nightmares are scared away
frees me to dream of him

***

lights dance around us
stars above our heads
canopy of trees
green grass
his arms around me
perfect.

updates..

2009-01-02T00:03:00.001-08:00

hmm.. i haven't been blogging about him for quite some time so its time again to become disgustingly cheesy, hehehh

so yesterday was new year's eve. i was not really in the mood to celebrate.. it was a peaceful welcome to the new year. and its ok with me. i find happiness in silence..

anyway, we've been texting for some time, and he asked me if we could talk over the phone. we couldnt at first because dad forced us to call tita liz first. after talking to tita liz, and when my parents have settled in their room, i called him up. i guess we talked for almost an hour. i wonder if he actually understood what i was saying then since my voice was so muffled. i couldnt talk that much since people at home were already sleeping. i didnt want dad to catch me talking with him...

anyway, i slept afterwards.. he told me that his blanket smelled like me. haha.. i guess he's so used to how i smell.. i now wonder if i would be changing from cologne to perfume or would i be sticking to my old smell.. we'll see..

i asked him what was one thing that i could do that would hurt him immensely. he told me, the things that hurt him in the past. like betraying him for someone else and hiding things from him. i on the other hand told him that i would hate him if he we wouldnt talk things over and explain why we did things, specially the bad ones. the point is, not wanting to explain means not wanting the other person to understand which will lead to confusion. i dont want to be left confused. it is a really frustrating feeling.

i am still so crazy about him.. sometimes, i think i am already overly swooning over him. which is sickeningly sweet and could be irritating at times. good thing, he can still tolerate me..

we went to church together on the 1st. i thought he wasnt coming because it was already 625 and i told him to drop by at 620. turns out, he just couldnt text me, and he was there already there by 6. anyway, it was nice to see him again, as always. he complimented my dress. he gave me some fruit salad her mother made. he told his mother he was going out on a date. sort of. we took the longer way home, because i wanted to spend some more time with him. as we were walking, it drizzled a little, and we shared under his umbrella. and then we had to say goodbye again. i was glad he was asking questions about my religion. it makes me feel as if he was really interested.

i could really see my future with him. although i am still scared with deepening my thoughts about it, because i am protecting myself. i dont want to get hurt too deeply.. i guess i will have to trust him more, and trust my gut more..

i am worried by the fact that dad doesnt have much idea about us yet. my mom and sister already has some vague idea. i dont want them to get in the way because they dont like him for some reason. i guess i am too blinded because i couldnt see any. but they will. and i hate it. i just hope when the time comes, they will accept him, because i really like this person. they have no idea what we are going through at this point.

as always, it is his small gestures that really makes me like him more. he really knows how to make me feel really special. i am so absorbed..

happy new year

2009-01-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

2009 na.
bagong taon
dapat nagsasaya, pero tahimik lang ako..
ewan ko, kasi kahit ayokong magtunog bitter, wala namang reason para mag-enjoy..
labo.. masaya naman ako.. pero hindi lang siguro nakikiisa ang mood ko para salubungin ang bagong taon. parang ang pointless kasi. hindi rin siguro nagssettle sakin yung thought na 2009 na. anong bang difference.. ganun pa rin naman ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. lumipas lang ang panahon..

ang emo naman nun..

pero kahit ganun, i am still trying to be stay positive. hindi naman ako nag-iisa e.
at masaya na ako na ganun..

two years isn't that long a wait

2008-12-30T10:29:00.002-08:00

time together after he arrived from everywhere (he was all over the place). anyway, i was really happy to see him again. happy to see a familiar face, smell that familiar scent. happy to feel his warmth. just being with him makes me want to smile nonstop.

anyway, we went to sm north, to annex, back to main then to trinoma where we ate at BK. pictures in my multiply. and again, we talked about things..

*sigh*
here's the thing. he is 98% sure that he will convert. what hinders him? its actually a who. its his mother. and i understand it,really. in fact, i am grateful because he has so much respect for his mother. so in that condition, we have to wait for two years (that is, after he graduates from college). two years.. i cant say.. he is right, things could happen in those two years. he only considers my opportunities. i might find someone new (which i doubt).. i might not leave him even if i desperately want to (in that improbable future date) out of guilt. it is reasonable, but avoidable (and quite impossible) *fingers crossed*

in my defense, i doubt that even if there are temptations abound, i will still stick with him. why? because i couldve chosen another person to fall for but i chose him. because we are both serious with what we want. it is scary to assume at this point, but these are possibilities. why did i choose him over the others? because he is matured, he knows what he wants. we have things in common. i like spending time with him (which i hope i dont outgrow).. i can feel that his intentions are pure and he really loves me.

he mentioned something about the future. indeed, it is very possible. and i do sometimes think of it myself. although it is still quite early to assume. i dont know. if a man wants to secure himself with the woman he loves, what else could that woman ask for?

we can build our dreams together. so what is two years compared to an eternity?

to my father

2008-12-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

hey dad!

i have so many things against you. since i was a kid, you caused me a lot of pain. do you know why i have so many scars on my legs. you dont know it but it was your fault. i was being so rebellious for all your strictness. silly me that i didnt know i was actually hurting myself. i just hate it when you tell me to not do things that i do the exact opposite without thinking about it. dont worry, i know better now.

i really hate you for not listening to me. i dont know why you are so proud to be my father (are you?) when you dont know much about me. i am a total stranger to you, daddy. you dont know what i have been through. you dont know what i was able to do. you have no idea of the things i was able to accomplish. i dont know why is that. maybe you were to busy looking at different things. or maybe because you were just not interested.

dad, you're a very self-centered and narrow-minded at times. i know these words are very harsh. probably you are not entirely self-centered. because i know you care about us in some degree. i appreciate your efforts for making sure we have all our needs at times. but you know what, dad, more important than these physical things are things of the heart. we may not be as affectionate as other families. i dont need that either. i just need an ear that listens, a heart that understands. a father that trusts. dad, we are not stupid, and you know it. sometimes, you are too proud to admit it. you wont explain things, how are we supposed to understand them? we cant figure out things on our own all the time. it is heart-breaking.

dad, why dont you understand me sometimes? am i a really bad daughter? was i really disrespectful? do i only give you heartache? do you know dad, i feel the same way too. i may only be your daughter, but i deserve some respect too. maybe it is difficult for you to give it to me. i am not expecting too much anyway. i just need you to listen. and to understand.

it pains me to have a relationship with you this bad. i usually go along well with guys in general, what is the matter with us? you are my father. and i love you, by default. but i dont feel the love from you. as if you were only doing things because you were expected to do so.

im sorry if i feel this way.. maybe if i am older, i will understand why. for now, i am as confused as any teenage daughter with angst to her parents. dad, you dont know how much heartache you have caused me. how many times i cried because of the pain i felt because of you. but because of that, dad. i thank you. i am a much braver person now, braver than i expected. or probably it was just for show. i dont know.

i just hope things will get better between the two of us. i dont want you to get in the way of achieving my dreams and being totally happy. dont worry dad, i will still take care of you when you get old.

four thoughts

2008-12-28T23:50:00.000-08:00

i am expecting this will be a long blog entry. we'll see..

number1: we havent been talking to each other for quite some time already. although i didnt mind it that much. it means we'll have a lot to talk about when we see each other again. besides, we update each other when we have to. it is enough, i think..

i really want to see him soon. i hope tomorrow.

number 2: PNK

i don't mind the new responsibility. but everytime i think about it, this thought always comes in mind: never the big boss, always the second in command. i dont want to think that way, but it is quite true. i dont know if i truly deserve the position. we are in this stage when people are not quite active. are the skills i learned in Gabay applicable here? i cant tell. but at least now, i am certain that God will not forsake me here.

number 3: dad

this frustrates me, really. i guess this is just a test of patience for me again. i love my family deeply. but i dont know how far that love can take me.

this is what happened. dad is pissed with me. i am pissed with him as well, and i dont know why. my mom's theory is that, dad cant take out his anger to anyone at home anymore so he's just taking it out on me. unfair i know. its just, sad on my part

we'll see in the years to come what will happen..

the future is certainly a scary thing. but with a ready heart, and a determined mind, nothing is too scary to overcome.

number 4: i cant bear this anymore. i really need to talk to him to clear things out. i am quite torn on how i would open it to him. option 1: be mean, option 2: be subtle and sensitive. i am opting for option 2. however, i dont know when i could talk to him. i wont be seeing him for quite sometime (which is a relief!) but i want to get this over with soon.

honestly, i pity the guy. he is so ickingly devoted. however, all his efforts don't work for me for one simple reason. i just dont like him the way he likes me. i can be really stubborn at times.

so there, i will try to be nice. and i really hope he leaves me alone for good.

i am planning to return everything he has given me. its such a shame. gawd. i am mean.

this post is not so long after all

im slowly finding myself

2008-12-27T07:13:00.000-08:00

i am becoming more accustomed to my situation now. although at times, i worry when i am not talking to him. but absence make the heart go fonder. passe. and i hope true. if i talk to him all the time, we will have nothing to talk about when we see each other again (which i hope is soon)

so there.. since i have permitted other things to preoccupy my mind, things really did enter it. so now, my focus is being challenged again. i dont want to be scattered and fragmented. (waley). anyway.. there are a lot of things i need to think about again. it is really scary.

the thing is, i don't mind being second in command. i am about to forgo my position in my org and i think i can handle it (really makes me wonder if i really am a born leader. what is [wrong] with me?) i will have time to dedicate (i hope). but but. being second in command to who. that is the issue here. i just dont want to be a mere assistant. i have a head of my own. i may seem very submissive about a certain system. but i dont want to stay that way.

there. i also realized that i actually have dreams. its just that they are not as concrete or tangible as others'. but i have my direction.

i saw mom's shirt today. with a 1998 print. it means that shirt already exists for ten years. that much time has passed already. time really flies. so why would i worry about what will happen in two years. five years. time will just fly by anyway. i just have to cherish every moment of it.

what i really wanted to tell him at this point

2008-12-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

i just came to church last night.. and it made me think about him again (as if i dont think of him all the time anyway..)

i really wonder what goes through his mind when we go to church together. i mean, its not only a social event that we have to go to together. more importantly, its supposedly a nourishment for the soul. does that really happen to both of us?

although i have a slight idea of what his future plans are, i am still not certain of it. when will he tell me? im becoming so anxious already. although i dont want to speed things up, i also dont want to spend too much time and invest too much energy. i want to put things right this time, but i also dont want to get hurt in the process. i am strong. but sometimes i doubt this side of myself. it is a scary world out there..

things are becoming special already. i dont want to get hurt. but i also want to cherish every moment of it.

some sensible conversation

2008-12-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

damn.. i miss having sensible talk with people.. not that i'm running out of people to talk to. its just that, not many people have sense..

thanks to daniel for enlightening me.. i really hope i could make some sense out of my life..Ü

karen/kathy: nakakasawa na rin minsan ang mamiss ang mga tao..kasi you know soon enough you'll see them again anyway.. you still have to enjoy the time apart..
Daniel Locsin: yeah... hehe i guess that is the best piece of advice i received this day hehe
karen/kathy: hahaha.. naks, magaling pala ako magbigay ng advice o baka yun lang yung narinig mo today? wahaha
Daniel Locsin: well... actually ung isang advice ay... patience is a virtue to cheezy i guess i hav to go with yours hehe
karen/kathy: ahhah.. passe na yun e.
Daniel Locsin: yup finance, modeling, wrestling... at ngaun life coach
karen/kathy: i have a future!!! kamon.
Daniel Locsin: hehe im just kidding! cguradong may furure ka
karen/kathy: nakow.. i cant really say.. feeling ko, after i graduate, i have nowhere to go..no company in mind, no future goals..come what may. if anything will come.. grabe, im so emo..
Daniel Locsin: well.. we've all got our own alter emos hehe at everything will come in 2 perspective wen the time comes. don't worry about it
karen/kathy: alter emos.. that's a good one, heheheh. i really hope so.. i mean, im not really afraid of what will happen to me cause i pray for it all the time but still, i think i need some human effort, too..
that thing is lacking.. tsk tsk..
Daniel Locsin: well.. hehe we are multi dimensional beings we need a lot of things to make us happy at parte na ang studies dun kahit nakakatamad minsan normal lang ang confusion sa edad natin and at least we hav other people to help us deal wd it ryt?
karen/kathy: right.. tama ka talaga na at this point of time, mrami talagang nacconfuse. actually, i didnt expect it kasi before this sem started, parang i was one of the people who seem so sure of what will happen to me pero all of a sudden, things just became so blurry.. its scary not to know what to expect in the future.. grabe.. its really scary.. parang biglang hindi ko na lang alam kung anong mangyayari sakin in the months to come
Daniel Locsin: well... gusto mo makabasa ng nap[akamushy na advice? hehe im already giving u the warning
karen/kathy: sige lang..
Daniel Locsin: well... not knowing the future makes every moment special...it gives more worth in everything we do...man.... i didn't just type that hehe
karen/kathy: may point ka dyan..ohh, its ok.. wala namang problema magpaka-cheesy paminsan-minsan, heheh pero ang problem ko kasi, i hate disappointments.. so usually, i lower my expectations so i dont get disappointed too much..kasi i really find it hard to overcome them.. oh well.. i think, yun na yung solution sa problem ko..its either i learn to accept and overcome disappointments or i heighten my expectations a bit.. so i could avoid mediocrity..ooohh.. nosebleed..i didnt just type that too. wahahah
Daniel Locsin: hehe that's ok. just trust urself. ul know the ryt thing to do
karen/kathy: hehe.. i hope so..

ayoko na lang malungkot

2008-12-24T05:59:00.000-08:00

sobrang talaga akong nagwwallow sa fact na hindi ko siya nakikita..
minsan, bigla na lang ako natitigilan at naiisip kung ano sana ang pwede naming gawin together.. eeeewww..

super cheese. ano ba to.

hindi ko siya nakausap ngayon. siguro walang signal sa pampanga. rawr. bakit kaya ganun?

minsan, ayoko na lang magplurk kasi puro na lang tungkol sa kaniya ang napplurk ko. rawr na naman.

masyado nang boss-centric ang buhay ko. eeewww ulit.

nako, karen. ano buzz. have a life!

who's afraid of commitment now?

2008-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

after three failed "relationships", one finally gets to sit down and realize what has happened in those three.. but after evaluating and learning from those experiences, i have to move forward now and face this budding fourth..

this one is different and so far, the best yet, of all my relationships. why do i say so? well for one, he's the only one who has the balls to actually do something about my situation. the others never really gave it much thought which made me really anxious. he also is the sweetest, although corny at the same time. we really did the mushy and cheesy stuff which was great. we took things slow. one day at a time.. never missing a chance to be with each other if time (and space) permits..

but now, when things seem to fall into place, i think i might be the real problem after all.. i might look far into the future as far as relationships are concerned, but i also overlook the time and space between the present and that future date. i seem to have the goal, but not the proper steps of achieving them. im just caught up with the present and the future, nothing in between.

sad thoughts..

thinking thoughts part 2

2008-12-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

to our orgmates: we are MU
to my church friends: we are friends only but up to something more.
to my family: we are friends only.

its weird to have different perceptions of statuses to different people. i just wish time will come when everything is uniform and identically distributed. dammit. perfect description

thinking thoughts

2008-12-22T05:26:00.000-08:00

hmmm... it is starting to dawn on me.. depressing thoughts.. after the many elating days, its gone.. we're apart now.

come to think of it..im not the kind who is soo dependent on my partner. fine i miss him,but not to the point that i dont feel like doing anything because he's not with me. or just wishing he's with me wherever i am. as if i can't stand on my own two feet. its not me. i feel alienated...

sometimes i think, he really handles things more maturely than i do. and its weird. am i really on this stage of life where everythings gets turned inside out. from the organize freak to the happy-go-lucky. from the strong and independent to the needy and immature. what has happened to me? can falling make me change this much?

but come to think of it, time apart means time for myself. time to find myself again. some soul-searching.. right. i need to use this time wisely because come january, i dont want to be alienated again...

ok so back to the happy and kilig updates..

we had our supposed last day together last friday.. as promised, we again stayed in bel field, him ditching the caroling night which made me feel really guilty but he promised he'll explain to the caroling people. we ate the food we brought. green mangoes as promised.. although we didnt buy any bel field food as we intended to. and then we watched the stars, and the lights until they were turned off. and hugged, and hugged some more.. sigh.. record of having the longest, sweetest, weirdest hug ever. he gave me a gift. a monkey i'll be naming after him. i demanded him to spray his cologne on the monkey so i can still smell him all the time (although i miss terribly his old smell). and i'll be putting him beside me as i go to sleep...Ü

first time we held hands. his hands are so big. and very warm, too.

then, come sunday, i wasnt so sure if he could come. but he did. and mom saw us together and thought something's up. i knew it. mothers can really feel what's going on with their daughters. oh well...

then that was it. that was the last time we'll be seeing each other until God knows when. it saddens me. i miss him terribly right now. but i have to be strong. on my own. i dont have to depend on him all the time..

after the longest time

2008-12-18T08:40:00.000-08:00

ang tagal ko na rin palang hindi naguupdate..
wala lang, bisi-bisihan kuno..

hmm.. ano bang kwento.. well, the usual stuff.. hangout, kwentuhan, kilitian, hugs..

ayy, nung tuesday, pumunta kami sa leong roofdeck para magpahangin.. at nagkwento lang siya about his childhood at nagcomment siya sa dumi sa ilong ko, wakekekke..

wednesday, kwinento ko naman siya sa pearls at kina abi nung nagmeet kami para sa lantern parade.. namiss ko siya that day kasi hindi ko siya kasama pero lagi niya naman akong tinetext so ok na rin

thursday, well, kanina, hindi kami gaano nagbonding.. pero meron akong rewards from him: 1. lollipop 2. infinite kiliti 3. 1-minute hug na inextend ko to infinite times of 1-minute hugs. demanding, i know..

wala lang, feeling ko lang ang PDA namin.. ewww..

kanina ko lang nabasa yung blog niya.. touching.. grabe, parang perfect. haaaayyyyy

sang araw sa huling buwan ng taon
naligkis ng lamig buo niyang katawan
sa parang na tila luntiang karagatan
sa duyan ng kahoy siya nanahan

nakatunghay sa pinakamatarok na likha
sa krus siya ay nakatingala
paligid niya'y may kumikislap na gaya ng mga tala
ngunit ni isa rito ang pumawi sa pagkabalisa

hanggang sa ang pinakamakinang na tala sa kanyang langit na tinitingala
sa kanya na ay bumaba
hindi na nga nagkakalayo at kapiling na
siguro nga'y wala na siyang hihilingin pa

ayun.. minsan talaga napapaisip ako.. namimiss ko siya pag hindi ko siya kasama. para bang gusto ko lang na lagi ko siyang katabi. pero minsan naman wala kaming pinag-uusapan. wala lang. weird lang. pero fun talaga pag kasama ko siya. kasi wala lang. bonding..

napapaisip din ako kung anong sense nito? wala lang. sweet lang. happy ka lang. tapos, so what? wala lang.

pero happy naman ako. at nasasanay na rin ako sa mga usual things na ginagawa namin. specially the hugs. i love it!

haaayyy...

i heart bel field

2008-12-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

ang ganda ng bel field.. at wala nang mas gaganda pa sa view pag kasama mo ang taong nagpapasaya sayo..

haayy, enuf said.. aral mode na..Ü

monthsary daw e..

2008-12-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

ayun.. so nagbonding kami kanina.. sobrang saya.. sobrang enjoy.. as in..

haayyy.. at first, nabwisit ako kasi sabi niya mallate daw siya.. 230 kasi yung usapan namin. pero malapit na mag-230 pero hindi pa rin siya nagttext.. so tinext ko na siya.. at sabi niya, mallate daw siya kasi nagkaproblema something sa bahay.. so fine.. tapos 330 na lang daw niya ko susunduin.. fine.. e di nag-aral na lang ako kuno ng ma187..

tapos yun, sinundo na niya ko. bagong gupit ang mokong, hahah.. nainitan daw e..
sinabi niya na rin finally na sa riverbanks ang tuloy namin.. ok fine..Ü medyo traffic nga, gaya ng sabi niya.. pagdating namin dun, naglaro muna kami ng basketball.. nakakangalay, 3 straight games.. pero nakuha ko rin yung pitik ng kamay ko, so natuwa naman ako..Ü

after nun, kain na kami.. tapos lumabas kami.. well, andun na yung surprise.. grabe, ano ba.. natutuwa talaga ako.. sobrang sweet.. pero sobrang corny.. pero sobrang sweet pa rin talaga, ok.. haaayyyy... kinasabwat niya yung brother niya para dalhin yung food dun, na luto ng mom niya (ok, family effort here).. tapos yun, may dala siyang sarong tapos umupo kami sa grass.. tapos kumain together.. haaayyy, ang saya.. ayun, tapos kwentuhan.. bonding.. ang saya lang talaga.. nakakarelax.. masarap lang siya katabi, habang nakasandal ka lang sa kaniya.. yun.. i feel so at peace..

nung pauwi na kami, dumaan kami sa isang burger store at may rose pa.. ano buzz.. parang gusto ko nang maloka at that moment, ok..

tapos yun, hinatid niya ko pauwi.. grabe.. ang masasabi ko lang, first time ko maka-experience ng ganung preparation.. ng ganung effort. yung susunduin ka pa at ihahatid kahit kaya mo naman mag-isa.. tapos may pagka-traditional yung dating with the rose and the family help, pero hindi ka ba kikiligin sa ganung gestures.. grabe.. i just feel so loved..

ayun.. and the importance of the date.. why does it have to be 14th? e kasi monthsary nga daw namin.. one month since the CEAP thing.. so yun.. happy "monthsary" hahahah...Ü

excited, happy.. but too much...

2008-12-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

adsa xmas party kagabi at kumanta yung Gabay carolers.. first time ko sila marinig.. at magaling sila.. as in, sobrang para akong sasabog sa tuwa nung marinig ko sila kasi ang galing talaga.. tapos nung kinanta nila yung Emmanuel, parang hindi nakapagpigil si Sir RSA at sinabayan sila ng kahon. ang galing.. wala lang.. amazed talaga ako.. at alam na ng ADSA people ang about samin, pero i dont mind.. kinikilig nga ako. (hay, ang landi..)

bukas, magbbonding kami.. hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin namin. surprise daw. oh well.. sana mag-enjoy kami.. wala akong idea talaga..

haaayyy... pero kailangan ko rin mag-aral.. balance!!!

wala lang, kinakabahan lang ako sa fact na baka may mga napapabayaan na ako.. like myself.. ewan ko.. yun. kailangan mag-aral..

naalala ko yung "quiz" na pina-take sakin ni lorenz.. parang totoo na siya ngayon.. taker ako, babaguhin ko siya.. pero hindi naman masyado.. sa tingin ko naman, ok pa kami.. sana.. gusto ko siya kausapin, pero tungkol saan. hindi, gusto ko lang siyang kasama. hahaha.. haynakokarennagigingmasyadokanangdependent. masama ito.

may isa pa pala akong pinagtataka.. bakit dito pa rin ako nagbblog kahit na hindi naman na ako masyadong naglilihim? hhahaha

ganun pala ang feeling

2008-12-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

kahapon, hindi ko alam kung BI ba siya o hindi.. nafeel ko ang "bad side" ng pagkakaroon ng relationship dahil naging hindrance siya para mag-aral ako.. irrational.. tsk tsk.. joke lang.. ang katwiran ko naman kasi, hindi ako makaaral kasi masama pa pakiramdam ko nun, so pointless magstay sa lib.. tapos nun, wala naman na akong iba pang pwede pang gawin.. so yun, might as well spend some time with him para naman di sayang sa oras..

so yun, bonding galore kami.. as in kwentuhan lang ng kung ano ano.. pansin ko lang na tahimik lang talaga ako.. ewan ko.. siguro wala lang akong maisip na mapag-usapan.. so siya na lang lagi yung nagkkwento.. tinanong ko naman siya kung nabbore siya, hindi naman daw.. ako kasi, masaya naman ako na kasama ko siya.. saka wala naman akong thoughts na tinatago sa kaniya so happy talaga ako.. nothing really disturbs me then..

anyway, we talked about seniors' syndrome.. hindi ko siya nararamdaman, at hindi yun ang motivation ko para magkaroon ng relationship.. ewan ko.. pero yun, hindi ko talaga naffeel.. hindi rin naman ako desperado. pero now that its here, im happy about it.. one thing more, i'll be staying for one more year, hopefully for my fifth year.. so with regards to the age difference, yun lang ang number one fear ko na magkakalayo kami agad after i graduate.. pero since may fifth year nga, hindi sana ganun yung maging case.. we might have less bonding time.. pero yun, we can still text each other all the time to the point na magsasawa na rin kami, wahahahha.. chos.

pinag-usapan din namin yung paghatid thing. masaya ako about it actually. kaya lang may fear of inconsistency na hindi naman maiiwasan. and to be honest, parang ngayon lang ako nakaranas ng ligawan stage.. parang ngayon lang nagiging slow but sure. pero masaya ako na katabi ko siya, close kami, doing things together.. wala lang, masaya lang talaga..

haayy.. saya, papasok na ulit ako bukas..Ü

i so missed blogging

2008-12-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

for one, im in school now.. after resting for five days at home, thus extending my long weekend, im back to my feet now.. im so happy to be back.. and so psyched to see him again..

although i wasnt able to see him for two days, we constantly keep in touch anyway so it made the painful days bearable, really..

in fact, when i was writhing in pain because of my antibiotic (apparently, i didnt eat enough for a heavy meal so my stomach started to react violently, i had to puke my lunch. it was really really painful. plus i hate puking, so it made the feeling a lot worse..), i had to distract myself so i could zone out the pain. i thought of happy moments. our conversation last night and the nights before, times we were together. and it really helped. got me the distraction i needed. before that, i was crying in pain (to think that i have a very high tolerance for pain), afterwards, almost no pain..

bad thing about it was, i couldnt eat too well.. im still afraid of the possibility of vomiting again. however, come lunch time, i wouldnt have much of a choice since i have to take the effing antibiotic again.. price i have to pay to get well soon enough (i hope!)

today, much as i would like to spend so much time with him, i have to catch up on my academics since im way behind already.. two prob sets due tomorrow and i wasnt able to work on those since i was still recuperating until yesterday.. but i still cant force myself to do a lot today.. i still have to be careful, else i'll be missing friday's party (oohh, what a lot at stake, hahahah)

what other could've thought, and my own

2008-12-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

today, more people learned about us.. although it wasn't really a big deal for me, i just wish they wouldn't exaggerate their reactions towards us.. i mean, do we really have to be the center of much teasing? im not mad or anything.. probably, its just that part of me that hates being in the center of attention..

of course, part of people knowing about us are the thoughts that course through their minds about our relationship. how come? she's too old for him or he's too young for her.. who would've thought? she's not as gwapo as she used to be.. what happened.. . most of these had crossed my mind too.. but i was able to look beyond these questions.. what's important is what we feel towards each other (eewww. cheese) and what we know about ourselves...

more time with him.. although we talk less of the things about us, and more of the trivial things.. i wonder if he thinks im a burden to talk to.. or he seems to never run out of things to say.. he IS talkative.. who would've thought? although sometimes, i dont get the chance to say the things i want to say.. which is not so good.. what's wrong with me?

two hugs today.. not bad..Ü

he "waited" for me to finish my exam so we could go home together.. i wonder if he feels obliged to take me home..

i am wondering about a lot of things right now, but im already feeling the need to sleep..

i hope tomorrow is a better day for me.. for us..

a different kind of bonding

2008-12-02T04:07:00.000-08:00

my day started unpleasantly, but i managed to get through all of it because i had one thing in mind, our bonding later in the afternoon.. it was a good thing that i really planned to jog in school at least once a week after my tuesday class, so it was like hitting two birds with one stone..

however, since i dont have much practice in any physical activity, my weak stamina got the better of me, so i had to stop jogging, a few minutes after we started.. i was already having side stitches.. it was starting to get really painful.. much as i would like to keep up with him, i dont want to be in so much pain, so i had to let him go ahead, as i walked my way to the cov courts where we agreed to meet after a few minutes..

after jogging, we stayed by his locker to rest for a while.. i was really having the urge to give him a huge hug despite our being so sweaty.. but i resisted myself.. i settled on just leaning on his shoulder because i was really dead beat then.. he still smelled nice even though he was really dripping with sweat..

we changed afterwards, and behold, we were wearing the same shirt, hahaha.. the shirt we got from CEAP.. oohh, tells something.. anyway, it was time for us to go home then.. kim joined us, but i didnt mind.. i hope he didnt mind either..

before going home, he treated me with kwek kwek.. (street food, it was an adventure for me, hahaha).. he also saved me from getting hit by a motorcycle. (damn that driver) and he tried to hugged me before he bid me goodbye, but my bagpack was so huge, so i wondered how it felt for him..

there.. good day for me again.. enough to get me inspired for my lt tom..

i wonder why i had to blog all the things that's been happening about us. i was even thinking if i would let him read this one day.. i dont know.. maybe, this whole experience makes me extremely happy. so its nice to keep good memories, right?

dahil mabuti akong estudyante...

2008-12-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

...magbblog muna ako bago tapusin ang prob set sa amf 131

i have mixed feelings.. natutuwa ako sa nangyari sa weekend ko.. napakilala ko na siya sa ate ko! pero as a friend pa lang.. it was almost like a chaperoned date.. hahaha.. pero it was fun.. free movie and free food!! (although hindi ko gaano naenjoy yung dinner.. well at least, we shared our dinner, as in all. at super takaw ko.. karen, konting finesse. hahahh)

anyway, it was a fun night out.. pero nakakapagod at nakakaantok..

on the other side of the coin, nawwierduhan talaga ako kasi hindi namin ma-figure out kung bakit hindi ko narereceive yung messages niya sakin since sunday. saaadddd.. wala lang.. of all people na hindi ko pa matatanggapan ng messages, siya pa.. so ngayon, i text him using my mom's phone and then he replies to me through my dad's number.. o diba, family effort.. wahahahaha

so there, now i have to finish the prob set..

last thing, we had a little drama last sunday, before we watched the movie.. (we watched twilight!).. i was glad we were able to resolve it immediately.. he is such a mature person and i really admire him for that..

last thurs and friday: delayed posts because apparently, i blog about us everyday

2008-11-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

hindi ako nakapag-blog for two days.. pero masaya pa rin ako.. hindi rin kami nakapagbonding kahit sandali.. pero ayos lang.. kailangan ko rin kasi mag-aral e.. tapos na yung longtest at ayun, excited naman akong sumamba kasi kasama ko ulit siya.. at ngayon, wala na si mommy, hahaha..

medyo weird pa rin yung feeling na kasama ko siya sa kapilya.. parang inantok nga siya at some point. pero masaya pa rin ako kasi kasama ko siya.. pero siyempre, hindi pa rin mawawala yung doubt at uncertainty sa maraming mga bagay.. baka kasi hindi pa rin siya magtuloy.. at ayokong ako lang yung reason kaya siya nagtutuloy.. hindi yun tama.. at desidido talaga ako na gawin nang tama ang lahat this time.. ayoko na ulit masaktan at makasakit pa..

after nun, friday.. a seemingly bad day for both of us. buti na lang, nagkasama pa rin kami.. although at this point, mukhang marami nang nakakapansin samin, i dont mind. ok lang talaga. siguro medyo nabbother lang ako sa fact na hindi ko pa yun nasasabi sa lahat ng mga ka-close ko.. pero aside from that, wala naman na akong ibang dahilang para magworry or whatever..

sana matuloy ulit siya sa sunday para magkita ulit kami. natutuwa akong makita siya.

ano bang mga dahilan kung bakit ko siya nagustuhan:
he really makes me feel that i am special
he makes me happy even with the littlest of things
i like spending time with him, i dont even mind if other people get curious
he makes things in life bearable
he is very supportive
he really likes me a lot
he gives my life a certain sense of direction in one aspect
he talks sense to me
i like him a lot too.

its becoming a habit

2008-11-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

the day after we talked things to through, i was glad that nobody really made a big deal out of things. they were happy for us, and im thankful for that. unfortunately, i was still unable to tell most of my closest friends who would most probably flip out the moment they learned about it. im still hoping for the best. my best friend in the whole world didnt even take it against me, im just hoping for a subtler reaction...

anyway.. i am still happy about a lot of little things that happened today:

lunch with anna and alvin (except for the banana thing. damn, i hate bananas..)
snacks with raymond
way home
waking me up

have to study now.. having colds is not an excuse..:c

probably one of my most sensible yet fun conversations ever

2008-11-25T06:19:00.000-08:00

nakakapagod talaga ang tth sked ko.. its an accomplishment for me to manage to smile despite the stress and the info overload, plus the urge to just stop listening and give it a rest...

that was what i did most of the day: to listen.

ate glai made me cry! i really didnt expect to see her. and i really missed her soo much. the moment i saw her, i remembered our rare bonding moments in matteo, just talking about life. yes, life. a topic so general, yet so rich with insights.. ate glai, i owe you a lot of kwento.. i promise i will fill you in!

when my classes ended, we talked, as promised. and it was refreshing to finally sit down and talk about our situation. although it was getting a bit too complicated, im glad that we're both willing to do our part to make the situation less complicated.. it's for our sake and for our friends too.. so if ever any of our friends will be reading this, (as if).. something's up.. you might notice it.. maybe you guys are already suspicious about it, and yes, they are quite true.. just dont hold it against us. just let us be. and be happy for us, k?

so going back to our conversation, it was really nice. that was an undestatement. it was elating. to be really open about a lot of things. and still accept and understand everything. i hope we'll have more conversations such as these..

so there you go, another happy happy day..Ü

paranoia will do you no good

2008-11-24T06:35:00.000-08:00

akala ko after more than a week of happiness, mauubos din ang reasons para maging masaya ako at mapapalitan ng pagiging miserable, pag-iisip ng kung ano-ano, etc..

well, sa simula ng araw na ito, medyo ganun nga ang nangyari.. para bang nauubusan na ako ng reasons.. parang kulang sa consistency.. marami ako masyadong demands na hindi nammeet.. kaya nakakafrustrate, nakakapagod isipin, nakaka-paranoid. pero yun, it was just a waste of energy and brain cells. although you can't blame me.. im just a little bit too careful..

what happened today.. basketball. although hindi gaano enjoy kasi wala akong pamalit na damit at naka-sandals ako.. so hindi ko ma-todo yung energy ko.. after nun, time for myself and for other things.. nung makita ko siya ulit, natuwa naman ako na sabay kaming uuwi.. SABOG, sori talaga.. namiss ko kayo.. bawi ako sa sunod na meeting..Ü

during my class 430-730 class, hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa malaking bintanang katabi ko at mag-moment.. iniisip ko talaga, ayoko na talaga masaktan, as much as possible. kahit alam kong given na yun sa anumang relasyon, kung pwede lang talaga maiwasan yun, iiwasan ko talaga. isa pa, parang ngayong araw na ito, may hinahanap ako na hindi ko makita. o ineexpect na hindi dumating. although pag tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung ano yun, wala naman akong maisagot. ang hirap nun a. yung may gusto ka, pero hindi mo alam. ang alam mo lang, may kulang. at kailangan mo mahanap yun asap, else, magiging anxious ka lang..

anyway, at least before the day ended, it ended almost perfectly.. nafeel ko ang maturity niya, na parang mas higit pa sakin. at nakakatuwa yun. kasi naman, diba, we need to move forward, or we have to stop.

ayun. basta happy ako. Ü

heart matters

2008-11-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

dahil naglilihim ako ngayon, balik muna ako sa luma kong bahay...

nakakatuwang malaman na hindi lang matters-of-the-heart ang nagpapaikot sa buhay ko ngayon. hindi tuloy ako masyadong nahihirapan maglihim. halimbawa na lang, sa mga pagkakataon na hindi ko siya nakakasabay umuwi, at ibang mga kaibigan ko ang kasama ko, kapag tinanong nila kung kumusta na ako, bagamat yun ang unang sumasagi sa isip ko, pinipilit kong mag-isip ng ibang bagay para naman hindi ko tahasang inilalaglag ang sarili ko.. pwede namang umikot ang usapan sa Gabay, seniors' syndrome, theo at philo talk.. yung mga tipong magiging umaatikabo ang usapan kaya hindi na namin kailangan pang mag-isip ng ibang topic habang binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng katipunan. basta sa katapusan, idinadagdag ko na lang na masaya ako. kasi masaya naman talaga ako.

...

pangontra sa aking umaapaw na masayang disposisyon ngayon, may naalala ako kanina na nagpalungkot sakin. habang kausap ko Siya, sabi ko, sana hindi na ulit ako makapanakit, kasi ayoko na rin masaktan, kamon, napaka-nega.. pero totoo yun. kasi nung naisip ko si ex-not-boyfriend, parang bumalik yung sakit na naramdaman ko. at sumasakit talaga yung puso ko in the literal sense. wala lang. ayoko ng ganun e...

...

fiction part
sabi ng kaibigan ko, maswerte daw ako dahil hindi pa ako nagkakaboyfriend kaya magiging bukas ako sa lahat ng pwedeng mangyari, kahit ang masaktan..

hindi niya lang ang pinagdaanan ko..

pero yun, kung sakali mang maging masyado akong maingat sa puso ko, sorry naman. ayoko lang ulit masaktan.

grabe, ang keso-keso nito...

acads check

2008-07-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

its the fouth week of classes. readings are starting to pile up. lessons left misunderstood. some notes are incomplete. cut count has started its first score.

i can't say how i would fare this sem. its a mixture of challenging and interesting subjects. not to mention hard to predict professors. so far, this is what i think of my classes now.

ma171
i don't regret load rev-ing to doc de lara's class. for one, i am sort of obliged to do well, else, its a waste of my begging her to accept me in her class. so far, i still understand the lessons. constructing sentences without words is amazing. very challenging class.
Goal: not get an F.

ph103
interesting lecture, supposedly. well, that is if im awake and attentive. sir strebel's voice is like a lullaby that puts me to sleep. however, i'm glad i didnt take the 230 class.
Goal: not to sleep in class.

ec122
international economics. isolated classroom. this partly completes my ateneo experience since in this class, i am able to experience all the buildings with classrooms. however, the trek to class is a challenge because it is soo hot walking under the afternoon sun, and then, the classroom is airconditioned. so by the end of the sem, i wouldnt be surprised if half of the class would get pneumonia. i find it hard to catch up with the lesson because the lectures are too long and too packed. hope i took the 130 class instead.
Goal: get an A.

th151
doc rosana isn't that bad. well, she is an overeager lecturer. and besides, we haven't done anything academic yet. i volunteered as a beadle to make sure that she knows me. well so far, i think, im still in a good light. i'm always the first one to recite specially when the class refuses to engage in discussion. so usually, my class participation has the least profoundness. well at least, i have an important role to play.
Goal: get an A.

ec142
i think i am more of an eco major rather than a math major this sem.. (nah, its just that im minoring in economics). ec142 is love. it forces me to read the business section of the newspaper that i didnt understand before. now i understand the stock market, CPI, all those theories that we encountered in fin105 are applied here. it is challenging. quite demanding, but at least it prevents students to slack off. i think the only setback here is that it is a saturday class so goodbye to saturday org activities.
Goal: to maximize my learning.

fin121
personally, i think my professor here is a big joke (evil, i know). class is boring compared to my morning saturday class. sometimes he doesnt seem to know what he was supposed to be doing. maybe he is an experienced investment manager, but probably not an experienced teacher (however, he admits that he taught at AA before. i wonder what his students learned). well at least, a perfect attendance assures you of at least a D. this discourages me to become an investment manager in the future because he has zero sense of humor.
Goal: listen attentively and take down notes.

good luck to me this sem. surely, i'll be missing the saturday Gabay activities...:'c
such a shame, i know. i just hope next sem's sched would be better.

dahil malas ako sa bunutan

2008-01-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

kailanman ay hindi na ako susugal...

i guess its just you and me again

2008-01-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

but i am ok..
in fact, i am quite happy..
call me crazy or whatever..
i just like the freedom..
and finally doing something right after four long miserable (and sometimes happy) months and sixteen days..

c'mon.. i thought you could do something better than that...

hurt, so hurt.

2007-12-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

i just have to rant this out because im not feeling well anymore..
why do you have to be so insensitive..

do i really have to hold on to this even if i know im already hurting?

im on the verge of tears again, but no..

i will not cry because of you..
i dont think i know you anymore.
is this what you want?

why can't you give me a little of your time.]
why do you always have to spend it with THEM!!!

im just sick of it.

if you only knew what im going through right now.
if you ever cared.

hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko

2007-12-04T23:28:00.000-08:00

seryoso, hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sayo?
ok pa ba tayo?
ni hindi na nga tayo nag-uusap e..

nung wed last week, nainis ako.. sobra, pero hindi na lang ako nagsalita kasi pagod na ako.. sobrang pagod ako that day at naghahanap ako ng comfort from you, pero wala..

kahapon, yun talaga ang hindi ko kinaya..
sige, leche talaga yang dota na yan..
oo dati, iniintindi ko pa na kailangan mo mag-dota..
pero ngayon, parang ginagawa mo na lang yung excuse e..
iniisip ko na lang lagi na at fault din ako.
dahil hindi ko sinabi sayo ang mga plano ko (pero pano ko naman sasabihin sa yo e hindi nga tayo nakakapag-usap)
at masyado akong maraming ginagawa (na sa tingin ko ay hindi ka na rin interesadong malaman kaya wala ka na rin pakialam sa akin. oo, gets ko na busy ako at wala akong time sa yo. pero alam mo yung compromise? iniisip ko kasi minsan na lagi na lang ako yung nagbibigay. sabi nun pag nagmahal ka, sobra talaga. wala akong nararamdaman kahit katiting na ganun. leche talaga. sobra na akong stressed, minsan ayoko na lang isipin dahil nakakadagdag lang sa stress ko. kahapon talaga ako muntik na mag-break down. pero ayoko na mag-self pity..)

eto, bumabalik na naman ako sa dati na self-sufficient.
independent
kasi kung hindi ko gagawin yun, ako lang yung magiging kawawa.

ayoko nang umasa sa yo.
masyado nang maraming disappointments.
baka hindi ko na kayang ipilit sa utak ko na kaya ko pa.
amidst all the things that i have to do...

kailangan ko lang ng support at understanding.
yun lang, hindi ko kailangang asikasuhin ako or what.
hindi ko kailangan yun.

kailangan ko lang ng may makikinig at may mapaghihingahan
at hindi ako ijjudge dahil sa mga ginagawa ko.
at nagddemand pa sa akin ng sobra kahit alam niyang kailangan ko rin naman ng break minsan.
leche talaga..
leche..

garr....

nagmamadali ako pero game...

2007-11-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

ten minutes left bago ako mag-aral ng micro.. haha
syempre, may time limit talaga ang pagbblog para naman hindi ako gaano mag-senti..

marami akong gustong isulat at this point...

20 things (yes nakikiuso din)
mga kailangan naming pag-usapan ni...
ang problema ko sa buhay na iniisip ko pa rin kung dapat ko pa bang problemahin
ang frustration ko sa aking sirang gitara at hindi pagkanta (dahil ang panget talaga ng boses ko ngayon)
ang saysay ng marami kong ginagawa
kung bakit mas gusto kong magtrabaho sa org kesa mag-focus sa acads ko, tsk tsk
bakit mas mukhang matino ang macro prof ko without his glasses
bakit ako feeling loner
tama pa ba ang mga ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?
bakit mas masayang mag-aral ng core kesa majors (except for history!!!)
bakit tinatamad akong mag-isip lalo na pag math
nasa tamang major pa ba ako?
bakit nagkanda-loko-loko ang flash drive ko!!! ang dami kong nawawalang files.. huhu..:c

ayun..
ang dami..
sana magka-oras ako para maisulat ang lahat ng mga bagay na ito..
haayyy...

it's just a school thing, you know....

2007-11-22T12:25:00.000-08:00

first week

2007-11-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

one week down, 16 more to go...

tapos na ang first week..
grabe, nakakapagod.. hindi lang naman dahil sa acads..
pero ramdam ko agad ang kaibhan ng buhay ko ngayon nung sembreak

mwf..
apat na subjects..
830 ang start ng klase ko sa kostka, third floor!!! oo, third floor!! at bawal ma-late dahil may quiz every meeting.. grabe, ang hina ng boses ng prof ko.. marami naman silang pagkakapareho ni sir habito pero hindi ko talaga siya marinig sa kinauupuan ko... pero gusto ko yung haircut niya. kelan ko kaya mapapa-ganun ang buhok ko?

after ng micro, macro naman sa BEL!!! second floor naman.. kumusta naman yun.. buti na lang marami kaming amf friends na magttrek papuntang bel.. grabe talaga.. pero ang cool ni dumlao. hindi siya mahigpit sa attendance pati sa rules. pero weird lang.. saka medyo nakakatakot.. pano ba naman kasi, dalawang long tests lang, i-ccancel pa yung lowest. tapos pag satisfied ka na sa first mo, pwede ka nang hindi mag-take ng second. saka essay. kumusta naman yun?!? may discretionary grade din kaya dapat magtino.. may curving naman siya exam para pumasa ang students niya.. pero ang labo, dapat hindi na lang niya i-curve, babaan niya na lang yung passing.. sana talaga, mataas na ako sa first exam para sure na ang 60% ng grade ko..

lunchbreak..

tapos history na.. with antonia santos.. omg.. sobrang boring niya.. saka nakakainis kasi para lang siyang nagkkwento. hindi mo alam kung ano sa mga sinasabi niya yung importante talaga.. parang wala lang lahat. saka sobrang bagal ng pace namin. pero ayos na rin. at least, hindi ako matatambakan ng readings (sana...) sobrang traffic papuntang ctc third floor.. grabe, suki ako ng third floors ngayong sem... dapat sa stairs sa likod na lang kami pumanik para hindi kami maipit ng mga tao. saka dapat super aga kami or super late para hindi na ganun karami yung tao. may seating arrangement din kami.. at saan pa ako kundi sa first row.. lagi na lang... rar..

right after nun ay philo naman.. grabe, struggle na lang lagi dahil bawal ma-late.. tapos sa likod na ako nakaupo dahil hindi ako sinave ng seat.. rar talaga.. mahirap pa naman makinig sa likod. tapos katabi ko pa si aron na sobrang makulit.. nakow.. sana talaga makapag-concentrate ako sa philo ko..

tth naman.. exaj ang break ko nito. 4.5 hours. pero bale 3 hours na lang kasi magsshift ako sa adsa ng 130-3

unang subject, math. at siyempre, hindi pa naman na-break ang custom na first day e lecture agad. may homework na nga rin kami e. lupet. may dresscode pala kami dito. bawal slippers at immoral dress. hmmm, kumusta naman yun.. seatmate ko dito si... pero hindi naman kami nag-uusap. bahala na...

after nun, theo. at, front row na naman ako. at gitna pa. kumusta naman. haay. kungdi ko lang mahal si anne, haha.. o well. napakasaklap. pero ano ba naman ang mapunta sa front row. deh.. ang problema kasi hindi naman ako umuupo sa harap talaga unless may seating arrangement (parang sa histo)... ayaw ko talaga sa harap kasi hindi ako makakapagtxt at makakapag-break ng iba pang rules. saka kita ng lahat ang ginagawa ko.. ano ba yun.. front middle pa. the best talaga. at theo pa talaga of all subjects.. haayyy...

ayun.
masaya naman ako at marami na akong na-accomplish kahit simula pa lang ng sem. sana lang talaga tuloy tuloy na ang sipag ko para ma-dl naman ako kahit once.

four long days

2007-11-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

set the mood..
the lights are dim
the music slow
my mind's a bit drowsy, but i will still try to think clearly..

four days..
only four days has passed, but i can feel a lot of things had changed..
we no longer talk the way we used to
we don't spend our free time together
i have no idea where you are at any given time
you no longer tell me your whereabouts

yes, i think we have parted...

do you like it?
can you still handle it?

but i think it still too early to say that we have really given up
maybe we're still adjusting to this new situation that we have
problem is, i don't want to get used to the idea that i am on my own once more...

would you like that to happen?

you should've seen my face when i went home on my own when i knew you were still in school anyway but you were just with your friends..
you should've felt my dismay when i still haven't heard any comment from the recording i made on your birthday. you didn't even recognize the trouble i had to get through to do it. neither the effort that i had exerted had paid off.
you should've heard the dryness of my voice out of the gap since we had a real talk

i don't care anymore if i shed any more tears.
in fact, my eyes could dry up any minute now.
i just don't like the fact that i have to turn to stone again just to get rid of all these sad thoughts in my system.

at least i can carry on with all my activities that i missed when i was still with you.
i now savor the freedom that i lost in two months.

right, i am sourgraping...

on top of it all, i want to remind you that i still love you no matter what...

so it turned out ok, right?

2007-10-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

una sa lahat, salamat sa lahat ng mga bumati sa text, sa tawag, sa multiply, sa friendster, sa ym at higit sa lahat sa birthday thingy..

hindi ko man kayo nareplyan isa-isa, hindi niyo lang alam kung gaano niyo napasaya ng birthday ko..

junoy
janice
keone
jireh
dys
ate je ann
kuya aldrin
jarylle
millie
pat
kuya mel aka wavelength buddy
kuya marc
billy
regine so
angel chris
dave
abi p.
jb
monzenn
ana
julius
kuya alex
madz
momi april
angel jack
jeanine
en-en
ate claire
buyao
victor
kelvs
soph
emem
baby tal
ate glai
maice
lorenz
ate jane
ate eds
kuya arby
kat dela paz
jack cauton
gempoy
benyl
kuya ryan
master yetlen
arlene
ate kams
lorenz
jan rico
gheck
ervin
kuya lnel
aby
harley
TO
miles
jiro
kuya myko
anak
ate ekai
ate tina
kuya roy
marian
nevs
jahnus
clang
bon
gia
aldo
tammie
ate ayee
mich
ate tish
ella
KC
christie

at sa lahat ng hahabol pa.. salamat na rin..

bago pala ang araw na to, nagdadrama na ako..
hindi na kasi ako nageexpect masyado kasi ayaw ko rin namang naddisappoint at nahihirapan akong makarecover from disappointments.. pero yun.. i think it turned out right..

birthday wish(es) ko lang
less complicated life
an open line of communication
a clear and rational mind
a perpetual source of strength and inspiration and...
guitar strings (i am desperate)

hehe..Ü

happy birthday to me!Ü

finally here, but....

2007-10-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

today is the official start of my sembreak..
for one, i'm happy because finally, i don't have to worry about my acads anymore..
unfortunately, all the problems and worries that i left behind so i can focus on reviewing are all coming back to me now since my mind is pretty vacant now..
so now..
all acad related stuff are gone..
more personal stuff that are more draining replaced it..

when can i ever not have any problems?
its just not fair..

what i thought would be a happy ending for this sem turned out to be dramatic..

how can i ever be truly happy?

i guess it really holds that for every action, there is ane equal and opposite reaction..

equilibrium?

if it ever exists..

sem break

2007-10-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

kay lapit mo na, ngunit di ko pa rin mahagkan...

ayun, senti mode sana.. kasa biglang nawala..
a basta, ayaw ko muna magsenti..

nalulungkot ako kahit sem break na..
kasi malamang na hindi kami magkita..
how sad...

pero yun...

sana talaga makapag-usap kami ng matino bukas..

philo orals na lang..

tapos gabay planning na..
hindi ko alam kung sasama pa ako sa adsa planning..
pero sana makasama ako..

ayun..
good luck, karen.. kaya mo yan..

wish ko lang talaga, hindi ako mainis sa Gabay planning..
or else..

tsk tsk.. lagot ako kay *****...

haha, mali, lagot pala siya!

i know i'm busy... but i have to get this out of my mind first

2007-10-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

first things first..

i hate you...
now i've written it down, it feels soo much better..

what i don't really like about this relationship we're having is it consumes so much of my time and my braincells than i want it to..
its not fair..
i suppose, i haven't known you that much to begin with...

dang, i hate it.. i just hate how i'm feeling right now..
i feel so confused, stupid, unloved, under appreciated..
add to that the stress of academics and org work..
imagine what i'm going through right now..

i wish you could be as sensitive to me as i am to you..
it feels so one-sided..

why do i always have to give when i'm not generous in the first place?
why do i have to understand and worry about you when before, i am just so selfish and independent?
why am i consuming so much of my energy for this? are you doing the same thing?
am i really ready for this?
or am is still blown away by its suddenness that i've lost all the confidence and personality i've built up around me..
my defences are down..

its not fair..
its soo not fair..

why can't i feel that i am being loved or missed at the very least?!?

you selfish person..
and i can't even say this to your face..
its soo not me..

i can't wait til everything is over..
by that time, i may not be as sane as i am now..

what i don't understand is, i'm not even asking for much..
i'm not demanding, as far as i know..

i am being tamed, even if i don't want to be..

ok, enough drama. now, back to my books

super hell weeks ahead

2007-09-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

sept28: sci10 orals (i dont have the thesis statements yet)
oct2: two SBs due and eco 102 lt 3 (i need to get an A!!!)
oct3: finance lt3 (need to get at least 76 to credit my lts..)

oct8: stat lt3. (a D would do..)
oct11: eco102 finals exam..

i still need to schedule my philo orals..
do our stat project..
know if we'll still have classes for sci10 after the orals..

study for stat.. rar..

know the sched for our ma195 exam...

no more uaap games...
i have to concentrate on my acads..

tagged...

2007-09-03T00:06:00.000-07:00

THE RULES:
Post these rules first:
*each blogger starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
*bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their own 8 things and post these rules.
*at the end of your blog entry, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
*don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

okay.. here goes..

1. i dont eat bananas or any yellow mushy fruits for that matter (e.g. ripe mangoes, papayas, etc). weird thing is, i prefer the unripe varieties..
2. i am reticent, meaning, i don't speak unless i see there is a need to speak. i find happiness in silence
3. i have a super high-pitched sneeze that i do not deliberately execute. i swear, it is 100% genuine. sometimes, i wish i could just get rid of it because it catches too much attention. but sometimes, people get so amused with it.
4. which leads me to this next weird thing. i can not get out of the house without a hanky or towelette. it's like a handy safety blanket for me.
5. i will not be caught dead without lipgloss. same reason why chapped lips is a major turnoff for me.
6. i used to be so sentimental about things that i refuse to discard even the most mundane of items. however, practicality has taken over, so i already bid goodbye to some of these knickknacks
7. i cannot sleep without covering my whole body (including the head) with blanket. be it warm or whatever, i find it hard to sleep without doing so.
8. i don't like being idle. because once i dont do anything, i won't be doing anything for quite a while until i finally find the momentum to work again...

there you go.. and so i tag
james azul, jeanine arias, gheck laroza, mel sia, joy bantigue, dean ramos, dianne santos and marian aniban

hoping for the best

2007-08-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

ang bilis ng mga pangyayari..
hanggang ngayon, windang pa rin ako..
hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko..
pero ayos lang..
kaya ko to..

lss ko for today:

sway by bic runga..

lines that stuck

"...i should be much to smart for this
know it gets the better of me sometimes
when you and i collidei fall into an ocean of you
pull me out in time don't let me drown
let me down
i say it's all because of you...

...say you'll stay don't come and go
like you do...
sway my way yeah i need to know
all about you..."

sh*t mushiness na naman..
pero ngayon kasi, mas mature na ako..
mas alam ko na kung anong gusto ko..
alam kong may mali pa rin..
kailangan mag-isip nang maigi
mag-usap nang masinsinan
para ngayon, wala nang mali..
ayoko na ng hang-ups..
ayoko nang magawa ang mga maling nagawa ko nun..
gusto ko, this time, lahat smooth sailing...

sana...

everything's falling into place...

2007-08-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

yeah..
everything's been quite sh*tty these days..

but better days have come..
and they are here to stay...

thanks to:

ate claire
emem
ate tina
kuya marc
ana
ate glai
and billy..

i just can't thank you enough

hope you all keep the sun on shining on me...Ü

funny thing.. one year and three hundred sixty four days of loneliness are over..

i hopeÜ

*fingers crossed*

disappointed

2007-08-26T08:19:00.001-07:00

if there's one thing that i could hardly accept in my life.. that would be disappointment..
i'm feeling it right now, and it's crushing me..

could i just die right now?

i just hate this feeling so much that my head feels like exploding..
my heart has a dozen broken pieces scattered everywhere...
dang! i hate myself.. can i just die at this moment?

i have 2 long tests on tuesday..
i haven't studied for any..
i spent my friday inefficiently..
i had a busy saturday..
an even more hectic sunday..
another depressing monday coming up..
can i just skip tuesday?

i hate my life..
it's so messed up..

i hate wasting my time for something that i did enjoy but to the cost of my academics..
dang opportunity costs..
can't i just have the best of both worlds?

when can i ever fix this...

am i not responsible enough?

though i am already tempted to cry this all out..
i have no tears to shed.. even if i wanted to..

i just want to have everything i want...
can't just everything fall back into its place.
this place is reeked...
i hate everything's that happening to me...

roots, wings and flowers

2007-08-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

grow where you are planted
let those roots grow deeper
and provide a sturdy foundation
to keep you on the ground
as you grow higher

fly to the clouds
seek higher goals
use your wings
and they will take you
wherever you command them to

never forget the fruits of your labor
cherish and take pride on them
but never stop achieving
the road is still far ahead
the walk will never end...

salamat sa Gabay, inspirado na naman ako

miss

2007-08-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

tatlong araw nang walang pasok..eto.. lugmok ako sa bahay ngayon..umalis na ang maid namin kaya balik na naman kami sa gawaing-bahay..nakakainis..buti ngayon na bakasyon..e pano pag may pasok na?pag kailangan ko nang umuwi ng late?ainako.. bahala na..
ayun, sa tatlong araw na walang pasok, may mga tao akong hindi nakita..pero nakakapagtaka man, hindi ko naman sila (siya, specifically..) namiss..sa totoo lang, marami na akong taong hindi na namimiss kahit gaano pa kami kalapit noong mga panahon na madalas ko sila makita at kahit alam ko na matagal na ang panahon na hindi kami nagkita..kaya kapag sinasabi ko na "i miss you".. sana lang, mapanindigan ko yun.. kundi, para lang siyang pampalubag loob sa "i love you".. naks.. o diba.. ewan, ginamit ko na kasi yun noon e..
isa pa, parang walang katumbas na filipino word and "miss"..hindi ba uso sa mga pinoy ang ma-miss ang ibang tao dahil sa madalas na magkita at magkausap ang lahat..ewan ko.. wala naman akong maibabahaging profound na paliwanag ukol dito.sumagi lang naman sa isip ko... hindi naman talaga ito totoong mahalaga..
ayun..wala na akong maisip..nalulungkot lang ako dahil umuulan..
ayaw ko talaga ng ulan.. lalo na pag nasa labas ako ng bahay..nakakadumi sa paa..nababasa ang mga gamit at damit ko..kahit na ba nagiging dahilan ito ng pagka-suspindi ng klase..e nakakainis nga e.. ilang araw nang walang sweldo dahil walang allowance...pero siguro, ang tanging bagay na ikinatutuwa ko sa ulan, parang nahihilamusan ang siyudad.hindi gaano mausok (pero maputik pa rin)

saka nung minsan, magkasukob kami sa maliit kong payong habang nasa ilalim ng batibot tree..

do i have to worry?

2007-08-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

a lot of weird things are happening this week..
lots of things are changing..
do i like them? i can't tell..

destiny..
i don't believe in destiny..
it's a crappy thing that cowardice people rely on because they don't have the guts to make decisions by themselves..

anyway...
things are happening not by coincidence..
i am not stupid..
but i should also be careful..
i don't want to fall into a trap..

i don't want to hurt anymore..

shame on you for you fooled me once..
shame on me, i was fooled for the second time..
if i get fooled the third time, then i would be forever in shame...

however, should i not take risks with life?
is this risk worth the return?

the previous post was a pile of rubbish

2007-08-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

well, as said in the title..
it indeed was a pile of rubbish..

just finished my guidance interview and i set new goals:

1. stop procastinating
2. be organized (again...)
3. leave excess baggage
4. manage time wisely
5. unwind at the right moments
6. stay healthy

such a short list, but not as easy as it seems...

uncertain

2007-08-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

i know i shouldn't be blogging at the moment..
i have a stat lt in two days and i just started cracking my notes..
but well, i can't concentrate that much because something's bothering me..

unless i get it off my mind for a while, then maybe, i could finally get back to my books..

i know i shouldn't be thinking of these things because i am a prisoner of the past..
one year, eleven months and 23 days have passed, yet i'm still not sure if i have moved on..
it's difficult to say specially now that i am starting to develop weird feelings towards a friend..

anyway.. i was thinking, this could be it..
i like the way how it started and how it is developing..
although, i'm not quite sure if i am ready for it..

i don't know if i should bring it out to the open or just let things go their way..

i can hardly remember how great it feels to be in love..

how a 23kb file made me cry

2007-08-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

As I begin this, let me just get one thing out of the way: Kathy is brilliant in Mathematics. There; you know it, I know it, now everybody knows it. Now we can proceed…

You see, there is so much more to Kathy than just her obvious achievements in the academe, and for us to dwell on those would not be doing justice the kind of person she really is. I, for one, consider myself very privileged to have seen that side of her grow throughout her 4 years in Quesci.
I met Kathy at the organizational meeting for one of the clubs in Quesci, and I remember how we hit it off almost instantaneously. Of course, my impressions of her did go from, “She’s so friendly” to “Lord, she’s noisy” to “Grabe, ang taray naman nito.” Still, by the end of the day, I swear, I was hooked. I knew definitely we’d be good friends for a very long time.
I like to think I helped “discover” Kathy in her first year. I fought to give her a chance on the team when she failed to make it outright. I believed then that she was destined for greatness; I still do. She hasn’t disappointed me yet—but, I digress. My point isn’t the fact that she made the team, you already know that story. It’s what she did when she made it that impressed me no end.
Because I was able to help train their batch for various competitions through all four years, I got to see first hand the kind of focus and effort Kathy put in our preparations. See, most people think winning the competitions comes easy out of talent. But there is a lot of sacrifice, tears and sweat that go into winning just one medal. Anyone can have talent, the will to cultivate it is an entirely different matter—and Kathy had the will.
In fact, Kathy’s sense of personal responsibility and accountability in training put even me to shame. In Team Quesci, we have these pillars called the 4 D’s: Desire, Determination, Dedication and Discipline. And with respect to all others, I must say that Kathy was the consummate example of all those traits. I really could not have asked for more from her.
But she did do more. And her crowning glory to me, wasn’t something she did do, but something she didn’t. In their 3rd year, Kathy qualified outright for a slot in the 3rd year team for the MTAP. But she gave up her slot for her close friend, Mai-Mai Pastrana—a gesture which is almost unheard of among contestants, even amongst us. And not that Mai-mai didn’t deserve to be in the team; but certainly, Kathy did too. It was just an unfortunate circumstance that there was limited room.
But that is precisely the kind of friend Kathy is. She puts others before herself. In the family that is Team Quesci, if Millicent is the “mother figure”, Kathy is the perfect “ate”—gentler, more tender. With Kathy, there is no such thing as tough love. When she cares for you, trust that you will feel it. And it would literally warm your heart. I know it was always enough to just be around her to calm me down on my worst days in Quesci; and I have had some really bad days. I have now lost count of how many times Kathy has been there for me. I’m sure you’ve lost count too; go ahead, I dare you to count.

I could go on and on about Kathy, but a page simply wouldn’t be enough. So let me end with this: Kathy may not have won as many awards as her more prominent batchmates and teammates. But she was just as good and deserved just as much. But then again, there is no fair prize for having a golden heart. Besides, to her friends, Kathy is the prize.

*this is my yearbook write up (God, i hope it made it just in time)
and thanks to Jireh, i cried right after my first reading..
btw, i was known as kathy back in high school

its over..

2007-07-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

I am so glad this day is over..
I survived another LT after not studying much for it..
I know I always complain about myself..
About not doing things the way I’m used to..
Not being organized..
And hoping against hope that I would be back to my old self..
But maybe, this just means that I have to adapt to this change..

I am busy with a lot of things..
I may not benefit from all of them..
But I already committed myself to these so there’s no turning back..
Maybe sometimes I might demand some rest..
But I have to come back, no matter what..

Another thought..
I know I’m feeling this way again towards you..
Though I don’t know if I should fight it or should I just go with the flow..
Let “faith” decide for us..
Damn, as if I don’t have a brain of my own…

Sometimes, I imagine myself reaaallly wasted..
I haven’t drunk too much alcohol to the point that I am not aware of my surroundings..
I hope one day I could experience it and then I can do whatever I want..
Without any inhibitions..
Bash anyone for all I care..

That time hasn’t come yet..
And maybe I need not be drunk or wasted to do that.
Maybe I just have to wait until I can’t take all the pressures of the world..

I want to study…

2007-07-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

I really do… but most of the time I just catch myself staring deep into the space in front of me.. thinking about things..
I hate that feeling… I don’t want to think too much because these thoughts rarely turn into actions. I don’t like being inefficient. It’s not me..

There are times when the thought of not needing to study occur to me… something is about to come.. soon.. I’m pretty sure of it.. but I don’t know when exactly.. but see, if this thing comes, all of my efforts will be wasted.. so I don’t want to exert any more effort for myself.. I just spend my time doing much for others.. not that I don’t like it. It’s just that, I don’t used to be like this. I’m surprised with myself..

But of course, going back to the point of my need to study… I think I just need some inspiration… again, I hate this feeling.. I used to be self-dependent. If I want to push myself to do better, there would be some force within that could drive me.. I don’t need anything or anyone else to help me.. so I am calling out to anyone out there.. though it is against my principle.. inspire me.. dammit..

I can’t say if I’m feeling happy.. I laugh, all the time.. but there are times that even if I’m laughing, it doesn’t imply that I am happy.. I’m not feeling sad either.. maybe, disappointed.. with a lot of things.. it’s another feeling that I hate the most.. because the cause is external.. although it still depends on me on how I would react, most of the time, I don’t have enough energy to think things through.. it’s hard.. it consumes too much of me.. maybe I’m feeling somewhere in between..

I need a happy crush to encourage me to go to my classes.. someone who is really cute, unlike ***.. never mind.. he’s taken already… I feel pathetic..

I really find it hard to understand myself sometimes.. well, if that’s the case, I wonder how other people could understand me.. I’m so complicated.. I think too much.. I’m evil, sadistic, crude, insensitive… I am such a bad person.. I wonder how my friends can still tolerate me..

I miss doing a lot of things.. I am too busy.. but am I busy with the right things? Probably. Am I happy with what I am doing? I think so. Can I still manage the stress? Next question, please.

I am starting to like one person again.. darn. Why him, of all people.. I don’t want to ruin our threesome.. I don’t even know why I am starting to like him again.. we don’t even talk that much anymore despite the fact that we’re always together.. sometimes, I’m wondering why I’m making such crude jokes about us. Sometimes, he just rides along with those, but I wonder if he is feeling awkward about it. That would be the last thing that I would like him to feel..

I’m blogging again.. maybe I am not feeling too sane anymore.. damn.

2007-07-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

I remember what happened to me back in fourth year when I had dengue..
My world suddenly stopped..
I had a lot to do, but I left them for me to recuperate and be back on my feet again, hopefully..
While I was at the hospital, I thought of just dying and leaving all.. everything.. I thought then that my life has already been lived to the fullest possible.. I had friends, I had my family.. I had a not-boyfriend.. but I realized that leaving them would hurt them.. and that would be the last thing in the world that I wanted to do.. and besides, I thought, I was still too young to die.. life wouldn’t be fair if ever that happened..

Now, im feeling the same way.. everything is just too f*cked up.
I have so many responsibilities, I still have to study too. Do my other duties for home and church.. and of course, I need time to rest..
Time is such as scarce commodity..
But even if time could be bought, I wouldn’t have enough money to do so..
Such miserable, miserable thought..

I listened to this song while I was scanning through the songs that are waiting to be learned as soon as I had the time to play the guitar..

Chasing cars (chorus)

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
Just forget the world?

I wish I could just do that again.. I want to leave everything and forget all the things that I have committed myself to do..
I know I can do it.. but my limitations are already pulling their weight on this already strong anchor..
I don’t know if I could still hold on and push through or if I just have to let go?

I want to be back to my old panicky self..
But I need to worry less
Do more
Be inspired and empowered
Leave the excess baggage..

Going back to the song.. if ever I just “lay here”, who would be willing to lie with me just to forget the world?

2007-06-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to like all of my subjects this sem, despite the fact that this is "the hellest sem of all the sems in my entire college life as a mafin major". i have a number of reasons and i would like to write them all down.

ph101: i am a thinking person, though it is not too evident since i don't voice out all of my thoughts that often. taking up philo, for me, is like a guide to the "right way" to think, if there is such a thing. maybe sometimes i am just overthinking things, that is why i see the need to be guided. also, i think it would be a very refreshing experience to be surrounded with people who are thinking/ forced to think. it might seem like a very normal thing that every person does, but believe it or not, even though people upon conception have brains, some fail to use it at the right moments.

*only, it is taught in filipino, and there is such a thing as fil nosebleed..

stat109: i love ramilby.. he is soo funny.. and i think it is my first math class where i could make noise, but still understand the lecture (imagine doc mara's class minus the bore).. he is able to present all lectures clearly and really makes it sure that everyone understands every single word that he says. and it's not really that hard to study math specially if your prof is like him. it is not too embarrassing to ask a question if you don't understand one minor point. who knows, that one minor point could make a difference in your exams. he also looks like my seatmate, bossing

*i am scared to take exams... it might disappoint me..

sci10: had favis again. the good thing about taking sci10 late in my college curriculum is that it coincides with my philo, and they, surprisingly, are related. most of my classmates are my course-mates so we are sort of dominating the noise level of the room. at least mrs favis doesnt mind it. she really is like no ordinary professor. she's humble. she accepts her shortcomings. she treats us like adults. i want another A from her.

*orals scare the hell out of me

fin105:it's nice to listen to our prof's lecture. she really explains the concepts clearly. however sometimes, she is going too fast that is why, it is quite hard to take down notes while listening to her.

*so many papers!!! and her eyes keep on getting big as she speaks

eco102: had habito! yipee.. i like his columns. they are simple, direct to the point yet full of important information. it's like swallowing your weekly dose of national economic news in one pill. i suppose he would be away most of the time. at least, his assistant is accomodating in answering questions, i just wish she could do something with her voice. another thing, eco and fin are so related..Ü

*so many people in one room. every meeting is like watching a concert with no reserved seating. you have to be early to be in the best seats.

ma195a.15: had doc muga again. and i guess that suffices my short entry about it. wait, last two points: (1) our book is around FIVE to SIX inches thick. (2) Chris Tiu is in my class.

*rar.. i thought muga days are over..

miss na kita, blog

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

sobrang tagal ko nang hindi nagppost dahil:
1. masyado akong busy nung summer..
2. after ng summer classes, namundok ako para sa Gabay planning
3. wala pa ring net sa bahay (hanggang ngayon!!!)
4. kahit may access ako sa net nung lsat days, hindi naman legal na mag-surf during reg time.. huhuhu..
5. ngayong nagstart na regular sem, masyado pa rin akong busy (o nagpoprocastinate)

ainako karen, hindi ata totoo na organize ka..

OMG..
anyway, kailangan bukas, ok na ulit ako..
hopefully tom, im back to my old self..
nakakapagod ding tamarin kasi ako rin naman nagssuffer in the end..

ps.. nakasulat naman na ako sa bahay ng mga blog entries..
kaya lang aayusin ko pa yun..Ü

i miss blogging soo much

2007-05-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

although blogging keeps my sanity levels up to the norm, summer classes kept me from doing so..

but i am still sane, i believe..

anyway, just two more weeks and this stressful life is over..

or so i thought..

after summer classes, i have a lot more activities to do..
org plannings, volunteer work (yes), responsibilities, time for high school friends..

dang, i miss everyone..

my social life seemed to have been flushed down the drain..

no friends to talk to.
no place to hang out.
no time for blogging.

summer is such a bummer..

when you have nine units of brain numbing subjects..

but still, at least, i am busy with a lot of things..

because i hate being idle...

happy first birthday, blog

2007-05-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

haha, one year na blog ko..
so far, 100++ entries..

kaya lang naman ako nagblog nung summer last year kasi bored ako..
super dami kong freetime..
saka uso..
nyak. nakikiuso...

basta yun..

pero nalulunkot ako ngayon kasi hindi ako masyadong makapagupdate..
masyado kasing busy e..

hayun.. babay..

feels like home again

2007-04-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

last saturday, i received an invitation from a friend i haven't heard from for such a long time. surprisingly, my dad allowed me to go to his party. dad has always been strict with things like these. and besides, high school friends are not in his top priority list of friendships to keep.

anyway, it's not important anymore.

what made me reaaallly happy was that i was able to see my "math friends" again. team quesci has always been like family to me. can't wait to give each of them rib-breaking hugs. its difficult to find people who share the same interests as you. specially if other people would think that you are beyond normal. having special skills, enriching talents and deep passion and love for math is a different formula to concoct. and once you have all of these together, it is difficult not to get hooked to it. its like a drug that your system keeps on searching for lest, it becomes restless.

its been a while since i felt that familiar bond among us. although we have taken slightly different paths, one link still binds us all together. despite the endless taunts for me to transfer school, i still want to stick to my decision while i still can.

i love being with them. they revive my passion for what i have always loved doing. (by the way, i haven't forgotten that damn cube root thing. i haven't figured it out yet.. damn! i feel so stupid). now, i feel like sticking to my course doesn't feel too hard anymore.

besides our similarity, another thing that keeps us intact is our friendship. yes, it is something beyond passion. it is what the heart feels. friendship that has turned to familial bond. i haven't felt that warm feeling for quite some time and i only feel this when i am with team quesci. maybe jireh's right. i know that i impose a specific aura so people would see me in that way. but with them, i don't have to pretend to be someone else so that people would approve of me. i just have to be myself, but still loved and cared for.

bored..

2007-04-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

You Can Only Type One Word Not as easy as you might think...
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? huh?
3. Your hair? wet
4. Your grandma? sleeping
5. Your father? sleeping
6. Your favorite item? pc?
7. Your dream last night? forgot
8. Your favorite drink? water.
9. Your dream car? jimmy
10. The room you are in? cluttered
11. Your diet? gone..
12. Your fear? nothing
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Who did you hang out with last night? none
15. What you're not? skinny
16. Muffin? course
17: One of your wish list items? sneakers
19. The last thing you did? music
20. What are you wearing? glasses
22. Your favorite book? math?
23. The last thing you ate? corned beef
24. Your life? forward
25. Your mood? steady
26. Your friends? miss
27. What are you thinking about right now? bath
28. Your car? none.
29. What are you doing at the moment? typing
30. Last summer? swimming
31. Your relationship status? single.. and happy?
32. What is on your tv? off
33. When is the last time you laughed? last night
34. Reason you last cried? forgot

shooting star..

2007-04-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

Many times you’ve hurt me
Too many times you’ve fooled me
But you’ll be doing it again
So many times we’ve spent in
Too many lives we’ve been in
But you’re doing it again
To me the nights have fallen
The lights are on and off again
Is there a chance that you won’t die
Won’t die with me tonight?
Like a shooting star to where you are
Are we too late? Am I too soon?
You’ll make it through, you’ve gone too far
Will you ever be my star?
I’m holding on to nothing
No reason worth for living
I’m calling out to you
If it’s the only way to keep you
Then I don’t want to break you
I’m losing grip again
With you the nights have fallen
The lights are on and off again
Is there a chance that you won’t die
Won’t die with me tonight?
Like a shooting star to where you are
Are we too late? Am I too soon?
You’ll make it through, you’ve gone too far
Will you ever be my star?
You’re a shooting star to where you are
Are we too late? Am I too soon?
You’ll make it through, you’ve gone too far
Will you ever be my star?
Will you ever be my star?
You’re walkin’ away
I’ll be seeing you through a satellite
If you go
Then I’m walkin’away.

hale songs..
ouch..

the notebook

2007-04-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

the notebook is a classic cheesy romance novel, written exquisitely by nicholas sparks. i commend him for his beautiful poetry and the appropriate way of writing the story. it definitely tugged at my heartstrings, however, reminding me of my own still sad love escapade. i found it quite similar to what i have undergone, but i have no idea yet if it would end similarly to the notebook's ending. it was too damn sweet. sometimes i find it hard to believe that such love exists. love despite the short encounter, but still full of meaning and promise and truth that stood even the longest test of time. anyway, it is a work of fiction. but a tiny glint of hope is bossoming in my heart. telling me that maybe, just maybe, my story could be like allie and noah's.

that is why i am still wondering now if i would completely let you go. i am still afraid to pick up the phone and dial your number just to know how you are doing. it is difficult for me for i have already tried twice and got disappointed at both times. but still, i see no effort on your part (besides your checking on my friendster profile). i am not sure if you are giving me the space that i asked from you. but this is too much space, i guess. i could still remember the last time we saw each other. it was magical. unbelievable. yet it happened. although i still feel confused and i refuse to give it much thought, one thing is clear, we still respond the same way we did months ago, before we bade each other goodbye. and now, i have no idea if it still the same. if i am waiting for something wonderful, or i am just wasting my life waiting for nothing.

it is painful. so i just keep myself busy. work myself to death in order to forget. (i got this from the notebook, too. when gus told noah that people who work too hard are either crazy, stupid or bitter).. maybe i am bitter. it was my fault. and i admit it. it is hard for me as it is to you. you may not believe my reasons. but i still hold on to the promise that we had, if you still remember. because i still do. no matter how stupid and pathetic it sounds.

i'm still waiting.
i'm bleeding inside.
still hoping for spring to come.
when bumblebees and butterflies fly together
as they fill the gardens with color and life.

a funny coincidence:
while i was typing this down, my shuffled playlist played my favorite stonefree single.

how normal am i?

2007-04-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

You Are 35% Normal

You sure do march to your own beat...
But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all
You think on a totally different wavelength
And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

well, as if this site is reliable, hehe..Ü

mga alaala

2007-04-01T09:23:00.001-07:00

binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng edsa patungong north avenue..
hindi ko na maalala kung kelan ang huling pagkakataon na dumaan ako dito..
isang paglalakbay na napakapamilyar..
at nag-iwan ng maraming masasaya at masasakit na mga alaala..

the block
happy feet
fully booked
crinkles
parking lot

sm north
pizza hut
greenwich
burger king
burloloy
karimadon
ice cream
quickly
filigrenasia
cinderella
national book store
sari sari store
mcdo
jollibee
papemelroti
cinema 7
brownies inc
ice monster
chowking
eiko
silverworks
jc buendia
bearhugs

sm annex
kfc
yellow cab
beagle house
club synergy
egg
dairy queen
maldita
pink soda
jamaican patties

muñoz
mercury drug
belman laboratories
research

baesa
sa iyo
genie in a bottle
mercury drug
mcdo
tarpauline
toad

congressional ave
jo's chicken inasal
gazebo royale
jose rizal
spot

tandang sora
ptl 333
mcdo
poinsettia
spaghetti with meatballs
glue and water
florsheim
christmas lights

mindanao ave
7 cattleyas
burger machine
q plaza
circle c
sc
taxi
spareribs

quirino ave
hbc
bec2
gumising
jingle bell rock
soprano
cat
packed lunch
north cemetery
movie
november1

kayraming alaala
kahit gusto kong takbuhan, kalimutan at lumayo sa kanilang lahat,
tuwing mapapadaan ako, bumabalik ang lahat at patuloy na nagpaparamdam sa akin..

one down, one more to go...

2007-03-26T04:36:00.000-07:00

nag-finals na ako sa ma122 kanina..
grabe, relief talaga ito para sa akin kasi iniisip ko na sobrang kailangan ko makakuha ng 180+

pra lang makakuha ng B dito..
grabe, ang effort talaga mag-aral..
pero in fairness naman, medyo nag-pay off naman yung efforts ko kasi naintindihan ko na

talaga yung lesson..
kung nung long tests pa lang sana, nagtino na ako, hindi na sana ako nakakuha ng F..
naknamantalagangtinapa..

nyway..
one more to go na lang
nakakatuwa kasi accounting na lang..
exempted ako sa fil at es!!!
yipeee!!!
salamat naman at hindi ko na kailangan mag-aral para sa dalawa pa sanang comprehensive

na finals..
pero siyempre, di ko naman sasayangin yung time para magprepare para sa accounting long

test ko..
sayang naman.. sana maka C+ na ako sa accounting..
sana talaga..
grabe, ang daming asa..
pero ok lang..
konti na lang talaga.. bakasyon na.. yess..

take another survey

2007-03-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Two Names You Go By:
1. karen
2. kathy

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. eye glasses
2. pony tail

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. honesty
2. sensible conversations

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. playing guitar
2. singing

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. sleep
2. lots of food, less the guilt

Two things you did last night:
1. sleep on study table
2. study for ma122 finals

Two things you ate today:
1. puto
2. sweet and sour fish

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. dys
2. emem

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. study for acc35
2. watch smallville

Two Favorite Holidays:
1.
2.

Two favorite beverages:
1. water
2. iced tea

Two favorite foods:
1. ice cream
2. chocolate

Two of your least favorite things to do:
1. explaining myself
2. staying idle

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. have kids
2. find love..

last bestfriend post

2007-03-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

sawang-sawa na ako sa pagmumukha ni bestfriend

buti na lang, patapos na ang sem na ito..
ayoko na talagang maging kaklase ko pa siya kahit kailan..
para hindi na rin ako nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano.. (sayang lang sa brain cells)

salamat na lang..

sa limang sem ng pagiging magkaklase..
sa pagiging mabuting seatmate
sa pagsama for the first time sa 2/3 amf bonding
sa pagsabay mo sa akin pabalik ng ateneo
sa makabuluhan at aktibo mong pagtulong bilang groupmate
sa kawalang reklamo sa akin
sa magaganda mong mga ideya
sa matamis mong ngiti
sa napakalamig mong ulo
sa napakakalmadong personalidad
sa sensitibong pag-iisip tungo sa mga babae
sa maunawaing pagkatao
sa bonding moments natin
sa iyong kadaldalan
sa iyong kababaang-loob
sa gratitude

...

paalam 2nd sem..

paalam bestfriend...

yesss!!!!

sundo

2007-03-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

Imago
Sundo

Kay tagal kong sinusuyod
ang buong mundo
Para hanapin,
para hanapin ka
Nilibot ang distrito
ng iyong lumbay
Pupulutin, pupulutin ka

Sinusundo kita,
Sinusundo...

Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko�y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko�y sayo

Sa akin mo isabit
ang iyong lumbay

Di kukulangin
ang ibibigay
Isuko ang kaba
tuluyan kang bumitaw
Ika�y manalig
Manalig ka..

Sinusundo kita
Sinusundo...

Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko�y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon
pag-ibig ko�y sayo

Handa na sa liwanag mo
Sinuyod ang buong mundo
Maghihintay sayo�ng sundo

kaya ako umiyak..

2007-03-19T02:40:00.000-07:00

sobrang outdated na ng post na to..
pero gusto ko pa ring isulat kasi gusto kong ipaalala sa sarili ko yung naramdaman ko nung moment na yun..

last mar3, erya graduation/farewell party..
medyo ok naman..
may konting mga hassle pero naitawid naman namin..
nakakapagod a..
pero naenjoy ko kasi parang bumalik ako sa pagkabata sa pagsali sa mga children's games na kinatuwa naman ng tutees namin.
mas naging bonded pa kami nung ibang mga tutors, surprisingly..
kung kelan last day na..
nyway..
ok naman ang lahat..
hanggang nung patapos na..
kinanta namin yung hawak kamay ni yeng constantino..
tapos, habang kumakanta kami, nakita ko yung ibang tutees, lalo na yung isang batang babae.. hindi ko na maalala yung pangalan niya (pero kilala ko siya nung araw na yun..)
umiiyak siya..
hindi ko siya maalala kasi nung araw na yun lang ata siya ulit pumasok.. (parang ung isa kong tutee na si carl)
tapos ayun, naiiyak ako, pero nakayanan ko pa namang pigilin..
hindi na lang ulit ako tumingin sa kaniya para hindi talaga ako tuluyang maiyak..
kaso, lahat na halos nung kids namin umiiyak na..
kaya ayun, nahawa na talaga ako..

pero kahit siguro lahat na kami, nag-iiyakan nun, maaaring magkakaiba naman ang dahilan kung bakit kami nagsisiiyak..
sila, marahil sa kalungkutan, dahil hindi na nila kami makikita ulit..
kahit sa sandaling panahon, talagang maattach ka sa mga kids na yun.
kahit gaano pa sila kakulit at katigas ang ulo, makikita mo pa rin yung tunay na lambing, pagmamahal at pagpapahalaga nila sa yo..
puede ring kaya sila umiyak kasi parang mawawala na kaming pag-asa nila na mapabuti ang buhay nila..
hindi na ako makaisip ng iba pang dahilan sa ngayon.. pero pihado kong marami pang iba..

ako, bakit naman ako umiyak?
konti dahil sa lungkot na last day na nga namin yun sa nstp..
pero mas nalulungkot ako dahil sa pakiramdam ko, wala akong silbi..
maliban pa kasi sa nstp, sdg rin ang erya ko sa gabay..
hindi lang ako basta sdg, asst head pa ako..
kahit asst lang, dinidibdib ko talaga yun..
tapos naisip ko, habang kumakanta kami na, wala man lang akong nagawa para sa mga batang to..
kahit sabihin ko na meron nga kahit papano, hindi naman sila nakinabang lahat..
parang iilan lang ung pinahalagahan ko..
unfair naman dun sa iba..
ni hindi man lang sila nabigyan ng chance na patunayan sa sarili nila na kaya naman nilang mag-excel..
parang tinanggalan ko sila ng karapatan para sa isang magandang kinabukasan..
ang lupit ko..
napakasama ko...

bilang pampalubag-loob, hindi naman kami nagsawang magpayo sa kanila na ituloy nila ang kanilang pag-aaral..
sana hindi nga sila tuluyang mawalan ng pag-asa..
bagamat ayoko na talagang isipin ang kawalang-halaga ko..
patuloy ko pa ring iisipin ang mga erya kids na nagpaiyak sa akin sa taong ito..

100th post

2007-03-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

yep. this is my 100th post but i have no intentions of making it one of my best posts..
actually, this one could turn out like my usual posts..
random thoughts, rantings.. the usual stuff..

this day is a balance of good and bad stuff..

first, i was feeling bitchy these past few days.. and i have an excuse..
i have my period.. its not that im really hard to deal with during these times..
its just that, i have a tendency to be very annoying, so just bear with it..
anyway, i suppose today is my last day, so apologies to those who have experienced my wrath..

i'm planning to act normal now, so it's already safe to be around..

as a result of my bitchiness, dad refused to take me to school today..
but i didn't mind.. i'm a big girl now.. and besides, who cares if i arrived late for my first class which begins at 830?

i hate myself for being so disorganized.. i'm not usually like this..
i always plan my day..
list all the things that i need to do and give much though to things that are related to acads..
damn, i wasn't able to do that this week..
it was such a waste of time..

this week's financial situation was supposedly a struggle.
but i pulled it off..
i am so proud of myself..

although i would like to avoid this topic.. bestfriend has always been so present in my life..
i hate him for being my seatmate for most of my subjects..
i hate him because he's an ungrateful snob..
i hate him when he's picking his nose..
i just hate him when he smiles..

i hate myself even more now because i am writing something about him in my blog.. in my private space..
he's so not worth it..

i cheered myself to death for my blockmates.. but they lost..
i want to tell bestfriend that he was so yabang that the other block would lose again..
but who lost? our block.
why? because there were some hot-headed players on the court, who refused to smile and enjoy the game.. what a sore loser..
i enjoyed the game nonetheless..
i saw yellow play for the first time and i was amazed..
despite his height, he could really play ball.. wow, he isn't just a math person after all..
he's got a life, too.. heheÜ

for the nth time, yes, i have changed my mind again about you..
i don't suppose you liked me in the first place..
so all my previous posts about you giving it a shot..
forget it.
what a waste of brain cells!

i feel so tired..
good thing, for the first time in weeks, i am not going to school on a saturday..
i have my weekend to myself, yipeee!

kawawa naman ang blog...

2007-03-14T19:54:00.001-07:00

sobrang busy ko..
minsan nga nagsasawa na akong isipin na busy ako..
at pakiramdam ko, lahat na rin ng tao na kinakausap ko, nagsasawa na ring marining mula sa akin na busy ako..

e anong magagawa ko? yun naman ang totoo e..

pero kahit busy ako ngayon, magbblog pa rin ako para sa rantings ko..

naka-98 posts na ako.. bale 99th post na ito, at siyempre, hindi pa rin ako nalalayo sa karaniwan kong tema na pagrarant..

una, magrarant muna ako para sa mga kaibigang sawa nang makinig sa rantings ko..

oo na, tanggap ko naman na high-pitched ang boses ko pag nagrarant ako..
pero minsan, kinatutuwaan niyo naman yung pakinggan?
o niloloko niyo lang ako pag sinasabi niyong natutuwa kayo sa akin?

plastic...

rar.. naiinis na talaga ako.. (btw, salamat anak.. maasahan ka talaga..)

magrarant lang ako dahil parang wala namang gustong makinig..
kaya kawawa naman ang blog...
malamang, kung may audio to, bingi na siya sa kakapakinig sa akin..

letse..
sayang ang effort..
kaya minsan ayaw ko na lang mag-effort sa mga ginagawa ko..
para kung pumalpak man o ma-disappoint ako, hindi naman ako masyadong masasaktan..

gaya ngayon..

yun lang naman ang gusto kong sabihin..

random thoughts n...

2007-02-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

ayan..

napapagod na ako..
naiinis na ako sa sarili ko
parang wala na akong tamang ginawa
lagi pa akong malungkot..

iisipin ko muna si bestfriend..
hindi dahil sa pinapasaya niya ako..
kasi sa imahinasyon ko, ganoon nga ang ginagawa niya..
pero sa totoong buhay, malayo sa ganoon ang nagagawa niya para sa akin..

ano bang problema ko kay bestfriend?
hindi niya naman kasi ako inaano e..
natutuwa naman ako sa kaniya minsan..
kaya lang awkward na talaga yung simula e..

kasi nung first year naman, happy crush ko na siya..
tapos lagi na akong inaasar ni emem..
kaya naging awkward na..
may time na nagkatotoo yung pang-aasar sa amin ni em sa part ko..

hayy.. siguro grabe lang akong nadepress sa "break up" ko nun..
naghahanap na ako kaagad ng taong papalit sa kaniya..
pero hindi ko muna pupuntahan yang topic na yan kasi isa yan sa mga nagpapalungkot sa aking these days..:C

lagi na lang akong tahimik..
siguro kasi wala akong masabi sa ibang mga tao..
parang lahat ng bagay, gusto ko sinasarili ko lang..

naisip ko ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-ateneo in the first place..

naalala ko na oo nga naman, gusto kong lumayo sa mga kaibigan ko..
hindi dahil sa ayoko na sa kanila..
pero gusto ko lang sigurong i-explore kung anong mangyayari sa akin kung nahiwalay ako sa mga taong nagdetermine ng personality ko for four long and happy years...

grabe, nalulungkot talaga ako..
sobrang lungkot na parang hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko..
parang lahat na lang ng ginawa ko, palpak.. mali....
wala na akong ginawang tama..
sheet..

kahapon, first time ko uminom ng beer sa labas ng bahay..
hindi naman ako takot malasing..
hello? nalalasing ba ako???
anyway, ayun.. sumakit ang tiyan ko..
feeling ko, hindi maganda ang epekto ng alcohol or any carbonated drink sa digestive system ko..
prang nagaalburuto..

haayy..
ang random ng post na ito..
hindi ko alam kung ippost ko ba talaga to o hindi..

wait, last na..
may isa pa palang bumabagabag sa isip ko..

minsan, ayoko na lan mag-isip kasi lagi na lang ikaw yung naiisip ko..
nakakainis a..
ayoko nang isipin ka pa..
tama na, lalo lang akong nalulungkot..
nalulungkot ako kasi masaya lang ako sa isip ko..
pero yung puso ko, hindi talaga nararamdaman yung totoong kasayahan..
sheet..
depressed..

super depressing ng mga thoughts ko ngayon..
linshak na pag-ibig yan o..
dahil lang sa yo, nagkakagulo ang maayos na buhay ko..

hindi ko na ba talaga kailangan ng lalake para sumaya ako?
lagi na lang akong parang bato..
hindi na siguro ako makakahanap ng taong magpapasaya sa akin..
pag dumating na siya, ipaglalaban ko talaga..
kapag naramdamang kong siya na nga, hindi ko na ulit siya papakawalan..

sana...

familiar feeling

2007-02-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

i hate this weird feeling..

in fact, i refuse to think about it because i know this feeling..
i hate it becasue it's familiar..
i know where it begins, and when it eventually ends.. it causes pain, disappointment.. shattered friendships.. awkwardness.. all the things i hate about life.. they are coming back to me all at once..

i am single.. and not looking..
i am focused..
i try to be happy with what i am doing.

i love it when i am with you... before..

but things changed..

before, i know i could still suppress the feeling..
but everytime we two are together..

i feel something weird..
as if the closeness had been gone..

and replaced with this coldness..
compensating the feeling of likeness..
to hide what the heart truly feels..

i can feel the difference now when you are looking at me..

i'm trying to weigh if you are worth the shot..
if you can replace him, the person you keep on reminding me of..

i refuse to ponder on these thoughts..
i think it is a betrayal to him, to the one i truly love.. (by the way, he has initiated a way in contacting me.. )

hearts all over the place..

damn valentines day..
it pushed me to start thinking of such stupid thoughts..

they say when someone looks at you.. you can feel it..
but why is it that when you are looking at me..
i can't feel your eyes on me..

2007-02-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7v_YbvrA6Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGMCN4_tLak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_pg2r1_RPU

2007-01-31T00:06:00.000-08:00

masaya ako ngayong araw na to..

o siguro, mas magandang sabihin na kahit hindi gaanong maayos ang araw ko, nagawa kong kalimutan ang mga bagay na makapagpapalungkot sa akin, at sa halip, iniisip ko na lang ang mga bagay na makapagpapangiti sa akin..

una, naapprove na ang sentence outline ko sa en12! after 7 drafts (yun e kung wala pa akong nawala), naawa na rin sa aking ang prof ko (at marahil ay nakulitan na rin) dahil sa madalas kong pagpunta sa cubicle niya) at sa wakas, binigyan niya na ako ng go signal para gumawa na ng first draft.. sa friday na ang ibinigay kong deadline para sa sarili ko, sana lang magawa ko ngang matapos yun..

kahit na naiinis talaga ako sa prof ko dahil 41 lang ang ibinigay niya sa amin para sa OP(at kahit hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin talaga lubos na maisip kung paano niya nagawa sa amin yun) wala siyang basehan! ay leech talaga!!! garr...

ayoko nang isipin ang mga sumunod na pangyayari nang mabalitaan ko yun sapagkat nanggagaliiti lamang ako sa poot

masaya ako sa pe(lagi naman) lalo na't nakukuha ko yung steps sa routine..
yun lang talaga masaya na ako..

second cut ko sa accounting kanina.. ang sama ko nga e.. pero kung iisipin, dapat nga free cut pa kami dahil kakatapos lang ng long exam2 namin.. ang late na nga natapos nung exam, kailangan pa naming pumasok nang maaga kinabukasan.. parusa talaga..

nararamdaman kong wala akong kwentang estudyante this past few days.. pero kahit na alam ko na wala akong masyadong natatapos, ayoko na lang manghinayang sa oras na sinasayang ko.. (tulad ngayon, dapat nagbabasa na ako sa english ngayon e, pero anong ginagawa ko, nagbblog.) iniisip ko na lang na masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko kaya ayos na rin. walang panghihinayang...

namimiss ko nang mag-aral ng bagong chords.. pangako ko talaga sa sarili ko na magaaral na ako pag medyo maluwag na ang sked ko.. (kung kelan man mangyayari yun)

andami ko nang namimiss na tao.. ganito ba talaga pag college, hindi lang tulog ang nasasakripisyo. pati pakikipagkapwa-tao na rin.

kailangan ko nang ma-motivate para pumasok ng maaga.. buti na lang nanjan si bestfriend at JM (code name ko sa bago kong crush.. nag-high five kami kanina at hinawakan niya ang malamig kong kamay... yikee...)

ngayon ko lang nainitindihan ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng "ayaw ko munang pag-usapan" pag may nagtanong talaga sa akin tungkol sa leech na report na yan.. uumbagan ko..

awat na.. back to work...

2007-01-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep9jBF5wKWM

2007-01-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

haay, wala lang.. naisip ko lang na gustong kong mag-update ng blog ko ngayon..
ang tagal ko nang hindi nagbblog..
at may time limit ako ngayon, 30 minutes lang ang inilalaan ko para sa sarili ko, dahil pagpatak ng alas diyes,

malamang na antukin na naman ako..
at pag nangyari nun, lagot na naman ako..
wala na naman akong maaaral at mapapala..

reklamo muna..
nakakainis, ilang beses ko nang tinangkang ayusin ang template ng blog na ito, hindi pa rin ako satisfied..
kumusta naman yun diba?
basta, pag nagkatime na ako, aayusin ko na talaga ito, once and for all..

isa pang napansin ko sa sarili ko, kapag nakikinig ako ng music dati hindi na ako nakakatulog..
ngayon, kahit anong klase ng music ang pakinggan ko, kahit rock pa yan o alternative, nakakatulog ako habang

nagtatrabaho.. nakakainis at nakakafrustrate..
haayy..
ang buhay..

eto, hindi ko na siguro pipigilan ang sarili ko kapag iniisip ko ang isang tao..
kasi naman, ano namang mapapala ko kung gagawin ko yun?
naddeprive na naman ako sa isang bagay na "nakapagpapasaya" sa akin..
tama ba yun?
emotionally masochistic na naman ako.. (tama ba yung term? imbento ko lang yun e..)
basta, ayoko na..
katulad kanina, habang nagbabasa ako ng ES, bigla na lang ako napatulala..
harhar..

si bestfriend din, bigla na namang sumagi sa isip ko..
basta, minsan iniisip ko na lang na hindi naman sukdulan ang kasamaan ng taong iyon..
siguro kasi hindi lang kami nagkakaintindihan..
marami lang siguro talaga kaming differences na mahirap i-settle
kaya bakit ko naman ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa kaniya? (teka lang, sinabi ko ba na pinagpipilitan ko ang sarili

ko sa kaniya? hindi naman siguro, nagkataon lang talaga na magkapareho kami ng sked.. pag next year talaga,

pareho pa rin kami, pipilitin ko na siyang magload rev!!!!)
hindi ko na lang siya iisipin, at kahit anong bagay na related sa kaniya, unless related sa acads.. sayang lang

sa brain cells.. mas marami pang mga bagay na mas mahalaga na pwedeng paglaanan sa mga iyon..

para naman sa yo na alam kong kailanman ay hindi mo babasahin ito.. (pero ayos lang)
ewan ko, naguguluhan ako sa yo.. gusto ko, pag magkasama tayo, tayong dalawa lang kasi nun lang tayo

nakakapag-usap nang matino e.. saka at least, hindi ako nasasaktan.. (ano ba tong pinagsusulat ko.. minsan

nandidiri ako, pero kung tutuusin, hindi rin naman gaano, ang labo talaga..) nasasaktan in what sense? ewan

ko.. basta, siguro pagdating sa yo, selfish ako.. mabuti pa nga na sige, wag ka nang bumalik next year, para

mawala na ang koneksyon mo sa iba.. kasalanan ko rin to e.. gusto kitang ibahagi sa kanila, kaya lang, naging

sakim sila, at wala nang itinira para sa akin.. haay, buhay talaga..

naiinis ako lately.. kasi pakiramdam ko may sakit ako.. (actually, may ubo naman talaga ako.. pero hindi yun,

parang mas malala..) pero basta, siguro, it's all in the mind.. pag nagsimula na akong mag-isip ng mas positive,

baka sakaling mawala na yung "sakit" ko..

stressed.. sobrang stressed ako these days.. lahat ng signs ng stress, lumalabas na sa akin.. haay..

pagkain na lang ang nagiging solusyon ko.. pero pagkatapos kong kumain at masiyahan, yung guilt naman sa

kung gaano karaming calories na naman ang na-consume ko at kung kaya ko pa yung i-burn para hindi

mag-accumulate..

haay, ang buhay talaga..
kahit kailan, wala nang absolute happiness...

nga pala, may mystery friend ako sa friendster.. at ang drama ng blog niya a.. puro kasawian sa pag-ibig..
kung gusto niya ng url niya, inform niyo lang ako..

2007-01-18T02:27:00.000-08:00

i feel very happy today..Ü

first, i'm back to my old self..
i'm beginning to be responsible and focused again!Ü
i'm following my schedule..
i'm giving myself enough time for sleep..
i eat while i'm studying so my body will function at optimum levels..
i'm bonded with my friends
i got big hugs from people i love..Ü
i am able to control my temper..
i don't feel so deprived anymore.. (thanks, angel!Ü)

...

and a lot more...

i just feel so lucky to realize all the good things that are happening to me..

even my professors can't ruin my good mood..
hehehehÜ

now, back to work.

happy birthday, ate che

2007-01-17T20:50:00.000-08:00

How it goes:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

1. How are you feeling today?
this guy's in love with you pare.. (may natitibo?)

2. Will you get far in life?
broken sonnet.. (seems like i will really die young)

3. How do your friends see you?
far away.. (they miss me soooo much)

4. Will you get married?
sa langit.. (pag namatay na ako)

5. What is your best friend’s theme song?
taralets??? (san kaya kami pupunta?)

6. What is the story of your life?
anywhere (am i running away?)

7. What was high school like?
my immortal (bakit naman ganun?)

8. How can you get ahead in life?
spoliarium (ok lang..)

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
maniwala ka sana (may HD????)

10. What is today going to be like?
same ground (still not moving on? how sad.. :c)

11. What is in store for the weekend?
hanggang kailan (forever nang bigo)

12. What song describes you?
taking over me (am i possessed?)

13. To describe your grandparents?
origin, hahahha

14. How is your life going?
kung wala ka.. (ano ba to? forever na ba akong dependent sayo?)

15. What song will they play at your funeral?
even in death (how unlikely?)

16. How does the world see you?
the ordertaker (freak!)

17. Will you have a happy life?
solitude.. (forever na talagang mag-isa..)

18. What do your friends really think of you?
akin ka na lang (possessive sila??)

19. Do people secretly lust after you?
cry (is that a yes??)

20. How can I make myself happy?
bring me to life (now i hate evanescence..)

21. What should you do with your life?
neon (change?)

22. Will you ever have children?
chiksilog (wag na lang kung magiging bading lang..)

nakkatawa naman result nito..
haay, uulitin ko to..Ü

2007-01-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

these past few days have been very stressful, to the point that my body demanded rest, and gave me slight fever so i will have to find time to rest and sleep...

last sunday night, early monday morning rather, i could not get myself to sleep.. im not sure if im just feeling pressured bacause i havent finished a single requirement i am supposed to submit that morning in class or is it just because im too anxious to stay awake and pressure myself even more to work hard..

isn't that the word pressure in one sentence and actually referring to the same thing..

this english research paper is driving me insane.. and my prof makes me want to hate it even more..

luckily, i had the long break i badly needed..
but it didn't make me feel better, instead, i'm feeling rather guilty these days because i am only focusing on english and i am not giving any time for my other subjects.. its just not fair..

and i miss my other acitivities.. i miss staying at the GR and eating lunch with other Gabayanos.. i miss having my own schedule without depending on other people's activities.. i miss walking home with you and talking for long hours over the phone about sweet nothings, our sentiments about love and why we don't have our SOs with us..

i miss hanging out with my blockmates and playing cards with them during our two-hour break..

i miss staying at the matteo-ricci hall for long hours to "study" but sleeping for almost half the time i was there..

i miss being organized and cluttersome at the same time..

i miss dancing in my pe class and playing basketball afterwards..

i miss eating chocolate and ice cream to cheer myself up..

i miss doing a lot more of my old activities..
i want to be back to my old self..

2007-01-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

napakasaya ko ngayon..

una sa lahat, namiss ko ang Gabay..
mga Gabayano, ang GR.. everything..
grabe, ngayon ko lang naramdaman na kapag may isang bagay sa buhay mo na nakasanayan mo na ng husto at bigla mong tinanggal sa sistema mo, mahirap, masakit at malungkot.
para kang smoker na bigla na lang nag-withdraw sa bisyo mo..
para kang mamamatay sa hirap..

isa pa palang namiss ko sa Gabay, ang mga GA.. dati kasi, sobrang dami ng mga GA..
may times nga twice a week pa e..
kanina, muntik na akong hindi umatend kasi (1) masama pakiramdam ko dahil first day of the dot ko at (2) puyat ako dahil 5 am na ako natulog, at 630 ako gumising.. ang saya no..
pero nahiya ako kay soph (syempre, di ko siya matitiis..) kasi nafeel ko na maganda yung laman (di tulad dati ng ibang mga GA na wala lang) useful talaga siya at pinaghirapan..

galing ng speakers at gwapo.. (siyeeet, crush ko na talaga si... ang gwapo niya talaga, super talino and perky pa.. tapos nagsmile siya sa akin after nung talk.. dapat nga chichikahin ko pa kaya lang nahiya lang ako e..)

kahit ginabi na ako ng uwi nun, ayos lang.. kasi worth it naman..

isa pa, i felt so loved today..
salamat sa mga taong nagbigay sa akin ng big warm hugs!!!
grabe, iba talaga ang feeling..

saka sa simple gestures ng friend kong si billy..
kaw talaga kalbo, kahit minsan, ang lakas mong mang-inis..
touched talaga ako kanina..
salamat din sa walang hanggang pakikinig sa mga sentiments ko..
mahal din kita, friend.. walang malisya.. pag inisipan mo ng iba, baka suntukin pa kita!

kasi naman e, after nung GA, nagmeeting pa kami ng dik kaya nahuli pa kami umuwi..
tapos dapat sana sabay kami ni soph uuwi kaso may meeting pa siya with her histo groupmates..
kaya yun, mag-isa na sana akong uuwi..
kaya lang nakita ko si billy.. at niyaya ko na siyang umuwi.. para may kasabay ako..
pero hindi pa daw siya uuwi kasi nakikipagbonding pa siya sa mga AMS people..
so yun, sabi ko sa kaniya, ok lang kasi mag-isa na lang ako uuwi..
tapos akala niya siguro na nagbibiro lang ako, pero nung sinilip niya ako, mag-isa nga lang akong naglalakad..
kaya yun, sinundan niya na rin ako, kaya may kasabay akong umuwi kanina..Ü

ang sarap ng feeling na minamahal ka ng mga tao..
yun ang isa sa mga napulot ko kanina..
tapos, mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko..
at masaya rin ako kasi nalaman ko na tama na pala ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko..
i just have to keep my focus..
and i know, everything will be alright..Ü

2007-01-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

im soooo stressed today..
so many things to do..
so liitle time to do all of them..
and even less time to rest

i need my hero..

and i need to get rid of this stupid cough..

i miss my old self..

2007-01-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

wag niyo akong gagalitin..

naramdaman ko kung pano umiyak ng mag-isa kahit sa paniwala ko ay napapaligiran ako ng mga taong sa pagaakala ko ay nagmamahal sa akin..
pero wala ni isa ang marunong magparamdam..

mas lalong umigting ang pagnanasa kong makawala sa seldang ito..
konti na lang..
sa loob ng dalawang taon, pabagbabaguhin ko ang buhay at wala ni sino mang tao ang makakapigil sa akin..
humanda kayo..
kayo na nagpasama ng loob ko at wala ni katiting na emosyon na ipinaramdam sa akin..

hindi ako insensitive
hindi rin ako immature
ikaw yun
kayo yun
akala niyo bang mabuti ang ginagawa niyo?

mag-isip nga kayo..
akala ko ba matalino kayo?

2007-01-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

background: haaaay need youuuuu more than anything darling..
you're all that i have from the staaaaart..
so build me up buttercup don't break my heart..

waaa.. miss you pearls!!!

haha, nakakatawa kahapon..
kahit nag-resume na ang classes namin ng mas maaga pa ata sa kahit anong university, ok na rin..
una, excited pa naman ako..
naisip ko kasing sundin ang payo ng guidance counselor ko na si ms aileen na kaibiganin si bestfriend..
kasi, siguro naman, may kabaitan naman siya kahit papano diba..
so ayun, ang balak ko, pagdating sa english class babatiin ko silang dalawa ni janice ng goodmorning at happy new year kahit gaano ako kahingal sa pag-akyat sa third floor..
pero pagdating ko dun, nasira ang plano ko..
dahil wala si janice dun... haayyy..
bakit naman ganun.
ang awkward tuloy pagdating ko dun, kami lang yung tao sa row namin kaya lumabas ako kaagad ng room para mag-cr at hintayin na dumating na si janice..

kahit nasira ang plano kong iyon, ayos lang kasi freecut naman kami sa english e..
yey! ang sarap kaya ng feeling na ikaw mag-aannounce na freecut! yey!!! that's beadle work!

tapos ayos lang accounting.. panira yung make up class..
grabe naman, last day na nga before vacation, acc lt1, tapos first day after vacation, acc make up class naman.. haay, grabe, 6-9 yun pareho..

nyway, nakakatuwa nung ma122 kasi for the first time ever, hindi ko katabi si bestfriend! haay, finally!!!
ainako, ano kayang feeling ni em nung inaagawan na siya ng desk ni bestfriend? hahaha

pe naman namin, ayos lang.. pero before nun, naglaro kami nila dys at aby ng basketball.. kalaban namin sila nas at lean.. haay, kakapagod, saka ang bano2 ko.. hindi na ako maka-shoot.. tapos, ang bano ko pa tumanggap ng pasa.. harhar.. lagot kami sa saturday.. pero ok, lang may dys naman kami..

midterms na pala namin sa pe sa monday.. oh no!!! pero hindi na rin ako super worried kasi medyo nagegets ko na rin yung steps.. ang prob ko na lang, hindi ko maasocciate yung tawag sa step.. kaya baka dun ako madali.. anyway, mabait naman si derek e.. saka kung hindi dahil sa kaniya, hindi ako makakapagchoreo ng maayos na sayaw nung dec29..

after ng pe ko, sinubukan ko ulit mag basketball.. pero super pagod na talaga arms ko.. sayang talaga, sana nakapagpractice pa kami ni pizza..

*nako, sorry pizza.. may kasalanan ako sayo..:(

tapos ginawa na pala ng groupmates ko sa es yung lab experiment, at ang venue, sa ls swimming pool habang nagttraining ang mens' swimming team.. kamusta naman yun.. ang awkward na nakakahiya kasi puro kami babae dun tapos, mga kasama namin, mga lalaking naka-trunks.. nakakainggit pa kasi gusto ko na rin sana magswimming nun kaya lang.. 1. wala akong pamalit. 2. wala akong swimming attire.. 3. ang dungis ko dahil hindi pa ako nakakapagpalit after ng pe class ko.. baka mamatay yung swimmers out of poisoning, haha

basketball ulit after nun.. grabe, nakakapagod, nakakagutom at nakakabaho..

tapos ala-sais.. accounting make up class na..
grabe, last minute na lang talaga, muntik pa kaming hindi umatend..
buti na lang talaga may incentive! yeyeyey!!!ÜÜÜ

lesson for the day: check your zip before coming out of the house, hehe

2007-01-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

Get free graphics at BlingyBlob.com!

haay, 2007 na..

salamat sa lahat ng tao sa paligid ko..
pinanatili niyo akong buhay noong 2006..
this year ulit a..Ü

2006-12-29T23:26:00.000-08:00

sobrang pagod ako ngayon..

haay.. wala lang, puro stream of consciousness lang to..

katulad pa rin ng dati, ayoko ulit isipin kung ano ba talagang nararamdaman ko ngayon..
pagod nga ako, pero hindi ko naman masasabing malungkot ako..
hindi rin naman ako ganun kasaya..

kagagaling ko lang sa church..
nakita ko yung taong 3 years ko nang crush pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin kami close..
kasi naman, mas gusto ko lang na nakikita siya from a distance..
hindi ako interesado sa personality niya..

meron ding isang cute na guy kanina..
nahihiya lang akong batiin siya, although i already know him by name..
pero hindi ko siya type kasi...
ewan, basta..

tapos biglang nagtxt ang bestfriend ko sa akin kanina..
talaga namang hindi niya ako matitiis..
at hindi niya talagang kayang gumawa ng mag-isa lang..
kailangan niya talaga ako forever..

ayan, bangag na naman ako..
congrats!Ü